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After Latest Incident, Here's What a Secret Service Orientation Letter Should Say

There's a strict prohibition on drinking on the job. It is however perfectly acceptable to show up hammered.
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Dear Agent,

Congratulations. Based on your extensive experience, security clearance review and the fact that the check you used to pay our application fee didn't bounce, we are proud to announce you as the newest addition to the United States Secret Service. Your first assignment will be as a junior member of the presidential protective detail. Welcome to the most elite bodyguard unit in the world District of Columbia.

First things first: there are many rumors floating in the media about the Secret Service. This completely unfounded hearsay includes, in sequential order: that agents have been implicated hiring (and stiffing) hookers in Colombia; that the Secret Service investigator in that incident resigned after hiring his own prostitute; that Secret Service agents failed to notice a sniper attack on the White House; that one Secret Service bodyguard passed out drunk in a hotel hallway; that agents chatted on cell phones while a knife-toting intruder jumped a fence and broke into the White House; and most recently, that two drunk agents crashed into a White House barricade before running over a suspected bomb placed outside the executive mansion.

None of these allegations are true. As you will find, the Secret Service is a highly professional organization that does not make mistakes. In fact, during your assignment, you will find that the Secret Service is more than capable of protecting the president and his family against every threat the 20th century has to offer.

Agents are taught covert techniques, like how to identify a potential assassin in a crowd while still buzzed from the night before and escaping from a murder scene unseen by local policia. They are equipped and supported with the latest in training, weaponry and surveillance equipment, including those motion-sensor lights your dad used to use to scare raccoons away from the trash cans and vicious guard dogs that are really useful if you remember to sic them. Some of us even allegedly know Tae Kwon Do.

Here's a few basic pointers to get you started:

- Obviously, there's a strict prohibition on drinking on the job. It is however perfectly acceptable to show up hammered.

- Per the above, lunch breaks and official functions are a gray area.

- Information security is of paramount importance at all times. Persons wishing to do the president harm cannot crack our ciphers. Do not refer to the president using any terms other than the assigned codenames: POTUS, HEADOFSTATE, or WHITEHOUSEPRES.

- After the incident on [REDACTED], agents are to be reminded that the suspicion-based stop and frisk policy in practice at the executive mansion does not apply to the president, the first lady, or other members of the first family.

- Don't ask about the JFK thing.

- The vice president may occasionally "pound some Steel Reserves" before "going off the radar." This is normal.

- Professionals don't let politics interfere with their work. When griping to the right-wing press about how Obama is feminizing the Secret Service, always remain anonymous.

- The vice president may occasionally challenge you to a game of Russian roulette. Remind the vice president that Russian roulette cannot be played with your service semi-automatic. Tactfully decline if he challenges you to a round of "the knife game."

- The First Lady's vegetable garden is off-limits. Don't ask why. It's not worth it.

For specific questions, refer to the operations manual provided by the White House security supervisor for a basic overview of White House security procedures, tactics, defense plans and operational / technical details of current security systems. When you have a free moment, please let us know what it says.

In the event of a "Code Black" primary objective failure, feel free to clock out and return to work when a replacement president has been appointed.

Remember, as a Secret Service agent, you are entrusted with the safety and security of the most important person in the free world: Yourself. Act like it.


The Secret Service Orientation Committee