(As told to Rich Herschlag) As many of you surely know, I just wrapped up a prison sentence. That’s two weeks of shopping my book and movie rights I’ll never get back. Other than the three or four conjugal visits, these have been some of the darkest days of my life. And the ...read more
The fact that so many members of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team identify as Democrats obviously invalidates all recent and forthcoming confessions to various crimes as well as all objective evidence of fraud, perjury, money laundering, and collusion. This much is a ...read more
Dear Mr. and Mrs. (parents of victim): It is with great sorrow that I acknowledge the loss of your (son/daughter), (name of victim), in the recent shooting at (name of school) in which _____ children tragically lost their lives. Though your (son/daughter) might not have known it ...read more
Good evening. As many of you know, a couple of years ago I started a business venture that included running for President of the United States. I was in more debt than anyone except Robert Mueller probably knows. One night, a couple of Russian oligarchs at Mar-a-Lago suggested I ...read more
Just today, Young Turks founder and head anchor Cenk Uygur was called out for a series of misogynistic blog posts he wrote in the early 2000s. These posts included complaints about not getting laid enough (“It seems like there is a sea of tits here, and I am drinking in tiny ...read more
(WARNING: SATIRE!) Early Tuesday morning Republicans Senate leaders convened a hasty vote on their new “Just Trust Us” bill. Although details of the bill are still sketchy Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell assured the American public that “this is what’s best for everyone. ...read more
(WARNING: SATIRE) A minor scandal erupted in the Trump White House over the recent hiring of Marcus Greene to the post of Assistant Secretary to the Department of Transportation. Greene is an unusual choice for the Trump administration. A man of Hispanic and African-American ...read more
(WARNING: SATIRE! Eh, maybe...) In the first year of the Trump Presidency there hasn't been much in the way of compromise or even to be thankful about. But Republicans are trying to remain positive that bipartisanship is possible. And the issue of Democratic sexual harassment is ...read more
[SATIRE WARNING: THIS IS SATIRE. SORT OF...] Controversial Alabama Republican Senate Candidate and two time former State Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore released a how to guide on “courtship and feminine etiquette”. “I felt, with the way my name has been maligned in the media, ...read more
(WARNING: SATIRE. PROBABLY.) Due to recent budget cuts to the State Department and Rex Tillerson’s overall management style of “Diplomacy? Yeah fuck that” the State Department was forced to center the upcoming 2018 European diplomatic efforts around Glenn and Charlie’s “Badass ...read more
In the wake of accusations of sexual assault brought forth against Minn. Democratic Senator Al Franken, allegations of sexual misconduct by Alabama Republican Senate Candidate Roy Moore, and sexual harassment and assault accusations against celebrities Louis C.K. and Harvey ...read more
(WARNING: SATIRE! MAYBE!) Wheeling, West Virginia The recent Republican nomination of disgraced former Alabama State Supreme Court Judge Roy Moore has sent shockwaves among political circles. Accused of sexual misconduct by, as of this writing, five women when they were ...read more
(WARNING: You are about to read satire!) So you wanna masturbate, preferably in the presence of a woman. We all do my friend. Who doesn’t?! But first you must determine if your particular situation is right for both you and your masturbatory muse. Sounds complicated, right? It’s ...read more
It’s a shame, but the days of serving respectably in the public eye appear to have passed us. Hey, millennials — are you feeling old yet? You’re witnessing history. With so many employees either being fired, threatening to quit or outright quitting, the White House is certainly ...read more
(SATIRE WARNING!) Yesterday morning they emerged ready. Millions of Americans headed to the polls to cast their votes. For most it was a day like any other, but for some, misogynists and bigots, Judgement Day had arrived in the environs of the Commonwealth of Virginia and the ...read more
(Satire Warning!) Anytown, USA On the surface John Everyman is just another quiet, but quirky neighbor. The 57 year old caucasian loves to sing in his church choir, listens to “non-offensive music” and gets excited about his Canasta and Bridge night. While Mr. Everyman is ...read more
(SATIRE WARNING!) On Sunday, November 5th, as of this writing 26 people were killed in a mass shooting in a church in Sutherland Springs, TX. Parishioners were in the middle of service when Devin Kelly, American Terrorist, opened fire. While some criticism usually gets levied at ...read more
(SATIRE WARNING: This article has been written with satirical intentions. The Daily Banter only tepidly endorses the rantings and ravings of Frederic Poag. The following should used for comedic purposes only and should only be taken with a grain of salt. Please see your physician ...read more
(Satire) Today, Michael Fallon, UK’s Defence Secretary, resigned his position amidst a growing scandal involving allegations of sexual harassment some stemming as far back as fifteen years. While no formal allegations have been made, Fallon tendered his resignation to British ...read more
After a day spent in seclusion watching news reports, binging on fast food and mass produced, cream filled, diabetes inducing snacks, President Trump stumbled, wide eyed and manic, into the Tuesday morning White House Press Briefing. Absentmindedly handing over a half eaten box ...read more
White House sources leaked early Monday morning that White House Chief of Staff and newly christened “Blue Falcon” military veteran John Kelly was especially distraught at his loss in the White House Indictment Office Pool. Kelly reportedly debated calling in sick after the ...read more
Saul Terrycloth, owner and operator of Saul’s Open Robe Emporium and Sundries, stared at the racks of open robes on display as a handful of customers browsed indifferently. The once bustling regional retailer giant was now on life-support. “You know there was a time this place ...read more
This morning, Hell Inc. released a statement in response to sexual harassment claims made by six hundred and sixty six former and current employees against Satan, Lord of Lies. As of today, Satan has officially resigned his position as CEO and is no longer employed by Hell Inc. ...read more
After a brief argument with Daily Banter Czarist Dictator Ben Cohen about whether mileage should be reimbursed in fast food coupons or “Buy Ya Lunch Sometime”, I found myself in the suburbs of Northern Virginia (NoVA) to meet with a man who would only call himself “Blue”. "This ...read more
Amidst a tidal wave of allegations surrounding disgraced movie producer Harvey Weinstein, Hollywood entertainment industry executives have teamed up with Washington lawmakers in an effort to end sexual harassment nationally. “Ladies. We hear you,” said an anonymous ...read more
Republican Leaders were ecstatic after President Trump gave himself a perfect score on his administration’s handling of Puerto Rico during a press conference. When Trump was asked by reporters how he’d grade his administration’s efforts on the relief effort from Hurricane Maria ...read more
Political scientists at the Presidential Politics Institute of Washington D.C., colloquially known as "The Beltway Consensus", were stunned after discovering pictures of former President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama reading to school children. Skeptical of such a ...read more
Humanity was stunned today as aliens from “a galaxy far, far away” made first contact through a hastily assembled press conference given by their earthly legal representation from the law firm of Rodriguez, Smith, Rodriguez. “The extraterrestrial entity known as Figrin D'an and ...read more
Yesterday on a grassy hillock that overlooked a meadow surround by a copse of trees the President of the Leprechaun Nation, or “Big Hat”, Stumpertee McTumpkins gave a press conference. President McTumpkins spoke at length about the possible “Pot O’ Gold” shortage that could ...read more
Infernal sources report that a phone call between the Lord of Lies, President Trump, and the fallen angel Lucifer, Ruler of Hell, took place late Thursday morning. The nature of the call was due to Lucifer’s “grave concern” over the lack of stable leadership coming from the White ...read more
Celestial Sources report that upon hearing the news that the 45th President of the United States Donald Trump called for an “I.Q. Test” against his own Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, the spiritual material that was the former President Teddy Roosevelt flung his flask against ...read more
President Donald Trump, 45th President of United States of America in alternate reality Zeta 137, spent the first vacation weekend of his Presidency at Camp David with his family. Sources report the First Family enjoyed the beginnings of fall colors, along with gluten free ...read more
Yesterday Congressman Tim Murphy, Representative for Pennsylvania’s 18th district, resigned amidst a scandal after it was revealed he’d impregnated his mistress and then pressured her to get an abortion. While opponents were quick to point out the hypocrisy of the “Family ...read more
After days of silence following the mass shooting that claimed the lives of 59 people and wounded over 500 the National Rifle Association, NRA, has released a new self-defense program for school children titled “Close Quarter Kids”, or CQK. “We understand Vegas (the last mass ...read more
President Trump was reportedly despondent over his failure to “hit the back row” during his paper towel toss to a gathered church crowd in hurricane ravaged Puerto Rico. Trump shook his head in shameful defeat as loops of his paper towel tosses repeated on a TV screen. “I’m ...read more
Note: today, David Brooks wrote a new column about how the wealthy are walling off lower American classes from understanding the newest cultural signifiers, which contains an egregious paragraph about him taking his friend to a gourmet sandwich shop that has received ample ...read more
When I first learned that CNN dubbed Ivanka Trump the most powerful Jewish woman in America, I didn’t exactly kvell. Not to kvetch or anything, but actually I felt a little shpilkes. CNN has a lot of chutzpah. The “powerful” part was annoying enough. Power is a difficult thing ...read more
Things got more than a little heated on Tuesday when Anthony Scioli (which may or may not be his real name) put up a statue of a mostly naked Hillary Clinton in downtown Manhattan (you'll have to follow the link to see the whole statue. Just because I don't think it's ...read more
Right off the bat, I'd like to note with extreme emphasis that this isn't intended in any way to suggest that my experiences producing satirical cartoons is anywhere in the same universe as the tragedy in Paris. This post is entirely about protecting satire and shouldn't be ...read more
I’m the last person in the world to decry a good Twitter parody account. The Mayor Emanuel Twitter handle, launched during Rahm Emanuel’s election bid for the mayorship of Chicago, was a lesson in brilliant dadaist surrealism that caricatured Emanuel’s penchant for profanity and ...read more
First and foremost, I'm an American. I love my country, but respect the strong influence immigrants have had here. I don't judge a man by the kind of food he serves. Mexican was never my thing, but if you're making something people want, then by God you should be allowed to ...read more
Oliver Green is a modern life burnout/angeraholic living in Bali, Indonesia and writing about life instead of making things worse by having one. M A R S If your house was burning down what would you save? It’s one of those pseudo revealing questions people ask celebrities in ...read more
Suey Park, the Twitter denizen who started the "Cancel Colbert" hashtag doesn't think white men have the right to say anything about this topic. But I don't care. Those of you who've read my articles over the years know that I have a fairly well-tuned racism barometer. I've ...read more
Oliver Green is a modern life burnout/angeraholic living in Bali, Indonesia and writing about life instead of making things worse by having one.W O R K Have you ever been at work and stared at the fire alarm and thought maybe you’d pull it? Big deal. Have you ever looked at it ...read more
Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that we are announcing the launch of a revolutionary new website that transcends the online publishing world and pushes the boundaries of what is possible on the internet. After much internal discussion, we figured out that the ...read more
I'm sure I speak for a lot of you when I say that the story of "Batkid" is one of the most-heartwarming of the year. Today in San Francisco, a large portion of the city is participating in a coordinated event put together by the Make-a-Wish Foundation and aimed at fulfilling the ...read more
You'll be shocked to hear this but The Onion is pissing people off again. On Monday, the satire site ran a piece called "Redskins' Kike Owner Refuses To Change Team's Offensive Name," which offered a blisteringly clever attack on Washington owner Dan Snyder by hammering him ...read more
