Ryan Seacrest: Hello and welcome to the first annual Trump Parade.
Jenny McCarthy: Here we are on New York’s famous Fifth Avenue, where not only are we hoping to witness a fabulous review of Donald Trump’s life, but possibly even a shooting that will add to the President’s approval rating.
RS: Leading things off is our grand marshal, Roy Cohn.
JM: As most of you know, Roy Cohn was Donald Trump’s mentor when he was coming up in the New York real estate world. As a former attorney for Senator Joe McCarthy, Cohn helped blacklist and ruin the lives of thousands of productive, loyal Americans. So he was a natural to teach the young Donald how to go for the jugular the moment he felt threatened in even the slightest way.
RS: Roy looks amazingly good for someone who’s been dead 30 years, though some people question whether he really ever was alive.
JM: Okay, walking lockstep right down the middle of street are several hundred proud graduates of Trump University, led by the nearly tone-deaf Trump University marching band. There are men, women, old folks, young folks, and do you know what they all have in common?
RS: They were all taken to the cleaners for about 20 thousand dollars?
JM: Yes, that and they are all unemployed.
RS: Walking right behind the proud graduates are thousands of men and women holding up signs. I see Steelworkers Local 135, Ironworkers Local 404, Electricians Local 43.
JM: Right, Ryan. These marchers represent the countless skilled laborers Donald Trump has screwed over the years, simply by not paying their hard-earned wages.
RS: Can I ask you something? These people are among the President’s most ardent supporters. But why?
JM: I really have no clue. And right behind them is a group we haven’t heard much from until now—SBOBBT. That’s Small Business Owners Bankrupted by Trump.
RS: Hey, there’s the subcontractor who with a small crew literally built the dome on the now defunct Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City.
JM: Donald Trump stiffed him for a million dollars by declaring bankruptcy and reopening the next day under a different corporate name. Leaving this guy devastated and ruined for life.
RS: Hey, isn’t being an entrepreneur what Donald Trump and the Republicans are supposed to be all about? Why do they all love him so much?
JM: I’m not sure that guy loves him. He just broke from the pack and lunged for the President on the review stand. No shooting, though. Just a Taser and a severe beating from Corey Lewandowski.
RS: Well, this is the float we’ve all been waiting for—women raped or groped by Donald Trump.
JM: Wow, there’s actually a separate float just for the former Miss Teen USA contestants who Trump saw naked backstage at the 1997 pageant.
RS: Waving to the crowd is Kristin Andersen, a former aspiring model who was vaginally penetrated on a red velvet couch at a Manhattan nightclub.
JM: She looks like she could still model.
RS: Oh wait, now here comes a float right behind the grope and rape victims that will, no pun intended, trump all the others. It’s a small float. The ex-wives.
JM: Right, Ryan. There’s Ivana still in top form for her age and Marla Maples looking a little haggard.
RS: These are women who bore Donald Trump’s children only to be cheated on and dumped. It’s nice they can come together for a wonderful event like this one.
JM: Wait a second, Ryan. I think I see a third woman hiding out near the back of the float. Is that . . . Melania?
RS: You heard it here, folks. Just a quick reminder that today’s first annual Trump Parade is brought to you by Russia. Russia—bringing chaos and disinformation to foreign soil for over a century. Russia—soon, you’ll be just like us.
JM: Speaking of which, this next float features some of the most prominent Russian oligarchs to play a role in the life of the President. Ryan, I think I see Ambassador Sergey Kislyak, who is practically a member of the Trump cabinet
RS: That’s him. Hey, Jenny, look. There’s Dmitry Rybolovlev, who in 2008 bought Donald Trump’s $40 million Palm Beach estate for a still unexplained whopping $95 million dollars. Wow, he could have used a better real estate agent, huh, Jenny?
JM: And rounding out the large oligarch float is, for some reason, a team of lab technicians from Kaspersky software.
RS: The kids and the queer community are gonna really like this next attraction. It’s a glorious 70-foot-high towering lifelike float of Rosie O’Donnell giving Donald Trump the middle finger.
JM: Coming up next might be the most creative float in the parade. Folks, say hello to Michael Flynn and Paul Manafort in shackles and behind bars.
RS: Nice, but I think the one right behind it might be the most talked about feature in today’s parade. It’s the golden shower gals straight from the Christopher Steele dossier.
JM: That is so lifelike. It’s like they’re really peeing.
RS: And here is the moment all the kids have been waiting for. Take a look, folks. It’s the 200-foot humongous Donald Trump float. It’s really more of a blimp.
JM: Ryan, I think 50 feet of it is orange hair.
RS: Wait a second. A man dressed up as Special Counsel Robert Mueller is approaching the float and . . . he’s lighting it on fire. It’s going up in flames like the Hindenburg.
JM: Oh, the humanity! Oh, the humanity!
Rich Herschlag is well into his third decade as an author, consulting engineer, husband and father and is very tired.