Dear Mr. and Mrs. (parents of victim):
It is with great sorrow that I acknowledge the loss of your (son/daughter), (name of victim), in the recent shooting at (name of school) in which _____ children tragically lost their lives. Though your (son/daughter) might not have known it while sitting in (algebra/history/biology/lit) class that day, (he/she) did not die in vain. Rather, (name of victim) died bravely defending not just a single great American tradition but our very way of life.
First and foremost, and quite obviously, (name of victim) died in a hail of bullets that day so that all Americans could remain free to purchase whatever firearms they desired, of any caliber, at any time, under any circumstance, and whatever their race, creed, or state of mind. Weapons are for all Americans. And every weapon deserves a thoughtful owner. The (AR-15, AK-47, Steyr AUG) used on that fateful day was just one of many assault rifles whose rights have been threatened recently. Firearms, like young people, are precious. We must guard their manufacture, distribution, and sale with great care and vigilance. We may never know what (name of victim) was thinking in the final moments of (his/her) life while (he/she) (hid under a desk/hid in a closet/ran down the hallway), but I would like to think it included at least something about the Second Amendment of our Constitution and the sacrifice (he/she) made willingly to preserve it.
But the sacrifice made by (name of victim) goes far beyond simply preserving our sacred Second Amendment rights. Most weapons are made right here in America. That means jobs, and I am the greatest jobs president ever. There are over 300 million guns in this great country—more than the number of people who live here, especially when you remove all the illegal immigrants and Muslims, which we intend to do soon. The loss of a gun is the loss of a job, and the loss of a job is the loss of a family. The loss of a family is the loss of a community, and the loss of a community is the loss of this whole country. So, whether (name of victim) in (his/her) dying moments knew it or not, (he/she) was a patriot. The price of freedom has always been high, and our brave young men and women have always paid it with a smile.
Not to mention the contribution your (son/daughter) has made to preservation of another great amendment, the first one. Recently there have been attacks on video games such as (Grand Theft Auto/Postal/Hitman/Super Columbine Massacre RPG). Ungrateful, un-American fake citizens have pointed their finger at these games that realistically train young men and women to walk down the hallway of a building shooting and killing anything and everything that moves. First, these same games have allowed our troops to defeat ISIS. Second, more than half of them are made right here in the USA, although a lot of the code is written in India and Southeast Asia. But, basically, more jobs. Last but not least, these games are a lot of fun. You should try playing one when you’re feeling a little better.
Last for real this time but definitely not least—in fact, HUGE—is the issue of mental health. This is a term thrown around very liberally today by (Nancy Pelosi/Bernie Sanders/Oprah Winfrey). They say this one or that one should be locked up because they’re a little weak in the brain department. They’ve even said that about me, if you can believe it! Now, if we give these liberal losers their way, pretty soon everyone and their uncle will be locked up including yours truly, and I’m the least mentally ill person to ever walk the face of the earth. The point is, we can’t just go locking people up because we don’t like them.
So anyway, I hope when you’re laying (name of victim) to rest you can stop being so freaking sad all the time and think about this—Every time we have one of these mass school shootings it’s like an inoculation. It builds our national resistance against change. Specifically, against changing any of the great, great things I have described in this gracious letter which you should probably frame and sell on eBay to offset burial costs. In this way, young people, especially young people gunned down in class on a sunny afternoon when they’re just beginning to discover who they are, have always made and will continue to make possibly the greatest contribution to our way of life anyone could ever make, and all before the age of 21. That is really something to be proud of. In fact, if (name of victim) were my (son/daughter), by now they would probably have their own (fragrance/hotel chain/looming federal charges).
Donald J. Trump
Rich Herschlag is well into his third decade as an author, consulting engineer, husband and father and is very tired.