Legal Battle Erupts Between Hell Inc. and GOP Over Moral Low Ground

(WARNING: SATIRE!)

Deep into the strike by The International Association of Societal Bar Adjusters Hell, Inc. represented by the law firm of Asmodeus, Baphomet, and Schwartz filed an injunction to prevent the lowering of the Morality Bar any further.


“While Hell sympathizes with the challenges faced by the Trump Administration, Hell also recognizes it’s own right to exercise sovereignty over it’s own dominion. America is free to lower any morality bar to any point it wishes as long as it remains within the boundaries of the United States.”

The combination of the failure of the Republicans to distance themselves from Roy Moore, James O’Keefe’s recent shenanigans at the Washington Post (which indirectly supported Roy Moore), and Trump’s “Pocahontas” comment to WWII Native American Code Talkers has caused the bar to sink lower on it’s own.

“This is a truly grave situation,” said Asmodeus, Hell Inc. Legal Counsel. “Without any oversight the GOP Morality Bar will soon be within the boundaries of hell, and while past Infernal administrations have worked closely with the Republican Party due to recent shifts in direction, both above and below, Hell demands that the Trump Administration respect the earthly/Infernal borders.”

I spoke with Infernal political analyst and best selling author, Demogorgon what is so dire about the current border situation.

“The true Southern border, the Hell line, has never really been defined for the US,” said Demogorgon.

“I’m shocked by that given the history of the US,” I replied wryly over the mind link.

“Well it was a different world back then,” Demogorgon’s hellish disembodied voice echoed inside my skull causing it to throb in unspeakable agony. 

“Hell hadn’t expanded to its current size. The hellish policy of fornication for pleasure combined with the Church’s anti-abortion insistence created a lack of affordable housing crisis back in the 19th century and early part of the 20th. This lead to the expansion.” 

“So why does Hell have a problem with what the GOP is doing? Isn’t evil Hell’s bread and butter?” I asked before downing four ibuprofen with a glass of J&B.

“Even Lucifer wouldn’t be on board with this, and Lilith certainly isn’t,” Demogorgon continued. “Hell has become a much more progressive place both in terms of denizen rights, and how it spreads corruption and malice. The Republican party is just out of step with the direction Hell is going. And if they don’t solve this strike then we’re looking at something unprecedented.”

“Well Puerto Rico doesn’t even have full power so I doubt this is gonna get resolved any time soon,” I said.

As of this writing no word on when the Trump Administration will formulate a plan to keep the Bar from sliding any more. All inquires have not been returned.