(WARNING: SATIRE! Eh, maybe…)
In the first year of the Trump Presidency there hasn’t been much in the way of compromise or even to be thankful about. But Republicans are trying to remain positive that bipartisanship is possible. And the issue of Democratic sexual harassment is something they feel they can find common ground.
“This year I’m really thankful that Republicans are helping Democrats to hold their own politicians accountable just like we did with Hillary in November,” said Roger Stone, Republican strategist and Russian Enthusiast. “I’m willing to provide them all the support they did. They’re doing the Lord’s work.”
With recent allegations surrounding Minn. Democratic Senator Al Franken, and Michigan Democratic Rep. John Conyers, Democratic party supporters are demanding the party maintain the moral high ground. Soon after Republicans rushed to support them by putting out a pamphlet titled “Are You a Sexually Harassed Democratic Woman? We can help!” with the hashtag #DemMeToo
The simple one page pamphlet reads: “If you’re a woman, and you’ve been sexually harassed, or assaulted by a Democrat we believe you. Send your story to the e-mail address: DemMeToo@gop.com
“It’s just amazing how the Republicans have stepped up on this with DemMeToo,” said talk show host, radio personality, and Dominican Republic sex tourist Rush Limbaugh. “I think it’s important that Democratic women are able to tell their stories about harassment they’ve suffered at the hands of Democratic leaders without fear of being slut shamed. Further I want to provide them with any support they might need in purging their party of these corrupt elements starting with the ones in power.”
Fresh off passing their Tax Bill, which has been called “Disastrous” by Forbes, and with Puerto Rico still without power, or really any infrastructure since Hurricane Maria the Republicans, usually reticent to do anything at all, have rushed to aid Democrats in their hour of need.
“This isn’t about partisanship. This is about the health of the Democratic Party,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky. “Women need to feel safe. Women need to be believed. The Democrats are doing just that, and I wish to provide them all the support they need. That’s why myself, and Speaker of the House Ryan will start an ethics investigation into each member of the Democratic party, man or woman, who currently holds office in Congress. If there’s even a whiff of impropriety among a Democratic office holders we’ll find it, and show it to the world.”
President Trump was the first to publicly endorse the Senate Majority Leader’s initiative calling the move “Amazing! Huge!”. “I’m very happy Republicans are helping Democrats. This is the kind of cooperation I promised in my campaign. As a proponent of women, just ask my wife Melania, I am a big supporter of women. I’ve done the Miss Universe pageant and I’ve seen women at their most vulnerable so I know what it feels like when women aren’t believed in their accusations, and just how hard it can be to prove. Believe me. That’s why I want to give Democrats all the support they need.”
News even reached the Alabama special election where former state Supreme Court Justice, “etiquette author”, and mall enthusiast Roy Moore weighed in. “When it comes to Democrats there is no depth they won’t sink to. That’s why I recently I wrote the book I did. It’s why I carry a gun. You never know when you might have to defend some young, ready to bloom flower of a woman from a Democratic beast of a man. I wish to give all the support I can to Democrats in this endeavor.”
Shortly after calls for solidarity with Democrats in seeking out sexual harassment on that side of the fence Republicans in the Senate introduced “Personhood” anti-abortion language into the Tax Bill, and moved to strip workplace protections from women who report sexual harassment though the provision was amended to exclude repercussions for the reporting of Democrats.