Here Are the Big Names Scheduled to Serve in the White House This Week

It’s a shame, but the days of serving respectably in the public eye appear to have passed us. Hey, millennials — are you feeling old yet? You’re witnessing history.

With so many employees either being fired, threatening to quit or outright quitting, the White House is certainly seeing some turbulent times. Trump has promised more order from his embattled administration. New reports suggest the White House is taking a “free agent” approach to filling open roles in the future, and is allowing qualified participants to try out working there for brief stints next week. Here are a few you can look forward to.

Monday, 2:30pm-2:30am — Flavor Flav

As the former host of MTV’s Flavor of Love, hip-hop’s original hype man and President Trump share similar communication styles and a love of oversized front accessories. Trump considers hiring him to be an olive branch to improve communications with the black community, and thinks his background as a member of Public Enemy will resonate with young people who grew up listening to the group’s music.

Tuesday, 4:30pm-5:30pm — Mama June

The popular mother from TLC’s Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has demonstrated the moral backbone to deal with even the most unruly child. As such, she also understands how to relate to Trump and his voting base who, based on poll numbers, are huge fans of June’s famous ‘sketti and rightfully terrified of mayonnaise, presumably because of its French origins.

Similar to Flavor Flav, Mama June may present an opportunity for Trump to reach out to a population who feels neglected by the Trump administration — females.

Wednesday, 6am-6pm, Ecuador time — Julian Assange

The leader of Wikileaks is someone Trump feels could be valuable to have on his side since he knows so much about data security. Trump was quoted as saying that while Vladimir Putin would have made an excellent director, he was unsure Putin would be willing to take the job, so Assange will make a good substitute.

As a plus, working under the Trump Administration will undeniably discourage Assange from sharing any damaging information about White House goings-on. Given his history, he may have to brush up on his first-amendment rights as a federal employee, and he will be forced to work remote from his hotel room. While he wouldn’t enjoy some of the joys of working in the White House that his co-workers would, it could make for a promising opportunity for Assange.

Thursday, 4:44am-4:20pm — Kanye West

After suffering a career-threatening breakdown, Kanye may be able to jump-start his planned 2024 presidential run with a stint working under Trump. The two have even been rumored to be collaborating on a new project together that will include guest features from names like Jared “Pineapple Kush” Kushner and Tiffany Trump. Yes, she’s a real person.

President Trump says that since Kanye is already the greatest rapper on the planet — are you listening, Eminem? — working together in a political and artistic sense just “feels right.” There is also hope that aid from Robert Kardashian might help keep all this Russia drama down.

Friday 9:30am-Just after lunch — Johnny Depp

Johnny has been going through some difficult times lately, and with the number of Pirates sequels Disney can make coming to a close, he’s in need of employment where his particular skillset might come in handy.

Reading from a teleprompter is very similar to having your lines dictated through an earpiece, and appearing in front of the press involves far less makeup than feature films. We’re hoping Depp can draw on his Donnie Brasco experience for this one.

Weekend ?-? — Lindsey Lohan

Lindsey is known for having some difficulty showing up on time, which could make things difficult for the press. However, given the White House’s take on “fake news” and minimal press contact, her unpredictable nature could be an excellent strategic move for the Trump Administration. There’s no one who knows more about how to handle chaotic situations than Lindsey Lohan.

But Seriously…

We’re all a little stressed, and sometimes it’s relieving to make light of all of the crazy things that we must now accept as potential realities given the way the Trump administration’s planning process resembles the screenplay of a Guillermo del Toro film. But anyone who’s spent some time in management knows that turning over employees so quickly is bad for business.

Many of those working for Trump have admitted they fear for the future, given what the inside goings-on of the White House apparently look like lately. The Trump administration’s habit of moving employees in and out of the White House like geese through the proverbial sausage grinder won’t help accomplish anything, and could risk sharing secrets with people like Anthony Scaramucci who are, no doubt, selling them to underworld crime bosses as you read this.

Good leadership should know how to build a good team, and Trump has demonstrated that he is not a good leader. He’s running out of people who want to work for him, and that could mean the ringers we get won’t be any better than Trump’s “A team” — they’ll be worse.