Mueller Investigation Forces White House Staffers Take Meetings at Local D.C. Coffee Shops

(SATIRE WARNING: This article has been written with satirical intentions. The Daily Banter only tepidly endorses the rantings and ravings of Frederic Poag. The following should used for comedic purposes only and should only be taken with a grain of salt. Please see your physician before any increased sodium intake.)

Casually dressed in hoodies, and sweats staffers of the Trump White House initiated protocol “Flat White” this week. Due to the fear and uncertainty generated by the recent indictments from Special Prosector Muller the “Flat White” protocol seeks to tamp down not only on leaks, but limit legal liabilities within the Trump White House.

“It’s just better for everyone involved,” said one staff intern who wished to remain anonymous. “I can’t afford my own legal representation so I have to limit my exposure,” the intern said in between bites of coffee cake and espresso. “Plus with the free wifi it’s actually better than being at work. I got snacks and coffee at the ready.”

Taking it a step further than simply walking out of the room White House Staff have left the Oval Office entirely. While critical staff whose work cannot be done off site, those who can have been ordered to “tele-commute” but to also “remain nearby”. Their stories consist of harrowing tales of boredom, mass produced, pre-packaged snack cakes, and a dearth of reasonably priced parking. 

“Honestly I just play Candy Crush most of the day, and respond to e-mail. That’s pretty much what I did when I worked at the White House. I mean most of the agency I represent is critically understaffed anyway so it’s not like much changed,” said an anonymous White House source who only wished to be identified as “Crushin’ It ’17”. 

“I still wear a suit. Every so often I pull out a notepad and pretend I’m getting ready to interview someone,” said one staffer with a lost look in his eyes. “I like to daydream that I work for an up and coming, energetic start up. You know like we’re just flying by the seat of our pants, just me and my buddy Ray from college.”


“What do you sell?” I asked in a rare moment of give a shit.

“Oh it’s definitely something in tech. You know we’re going for a great, big government contract that’ll change our lives forever. David and Goliath kind of thing.”

At first I didn’t have the heart to dash his fantasy against the shoals of the shared reality we both found ourselves in. Then I remembered who he worked for.

“You know to get that kind of contract you basically have to bribe someone in the Trump family, or, you know, be a Russian,” I said point blank.

“Yeah…” he said with a sigh. I didn’t take too much pleasure in watching his dream die before my eyes. But I took some.

“We should put out a press release that we’re actually helping the local economy,” another anonymous staffer said trying to see the best of this unusual situation, and even added a little bit of fun, pretend spy craft to his banal day. “I pretty much rotate where I’m gonna be for the day. I never go to the same coffee shop two days in a row. Some folks even change every couple of hours, but since I don’t Metro parking would be a nightmare.”

Others, while understanding the merits such clandestine rendezvous had logistical issues to contend with. “I’ve pretty much been turned into a glorified Uber Eats driver. I get texts from my boss every couple of hours asking where I’m at, and if I wouldn’t mind picking up something to bring back to the White House. Yesterday she wanted something from a Thai place that was four blocks out of my way!”

Other staffers have adapted to this new working environment enjoying both the perks and dealing with newfound constraints. “I got this one spot picked out just around the corner from Astro Donuts. It sucks cause you gotta get there early so I’m at ‘the office’ at 6 am sharp,” said another staffer who didn’t change out of their pajamas, and just threw on a hat.

Others have come up with both mundane and novel ways to pass their time in a White House that seems to be rudderless with its leadership.

“I’m gettin’ a lot of Netflix time I know that. I mean I was before but now that’s pretty much all I do now. I don’t even know if Kelly Anne knows I’m still employed, but fuck it I still keep getting paychecks. I’m just gonna ride this out as long as I can,” said one staffer who for some reason thought Stranger Things was overhyped. 

“I’ve actually started panhandling. I handle all business on the phone anyway otherwise it’s sitting on the street corner with my head down and hand out. Saw a dude in Paris do it like that. I made $80 bucks in one afternoon! Pretty sweet,” said another staffer who I ended up fighting with over his corner because there was no way I’m passing up on $80 a day.

One thing was sure no one knew how long this situation would last even though they were treating it like it was temporary.

“That’s been the gig from the jump. No one thinks Trump’s Presidency is gonna last. It’s week to week now, but somehow he just keeps pushing right along,” said Sean Spicer, former White House Press Secretary, who was meeting up with an old friend from work.

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