White House sources leaked early Monday morning that White House Chief of Staff and newly christened “Blue Falcon” military veteran John Kelly was especially distraught at his loss in the White House Indictment Office Pool.
Kelly reportedly debated calling in sick after the revelation of Friday’s indictment by Special Prosecutor Mueller was Trump’s former campaign manager Paul Manafort and not Jared Kushner.
“I really thought it was gonna be that snot nosed little shit,” grumbled Kelly who’d recently sullied his reputation by defending President Trump over his utterly contemptible handling of a condolence phone call to the widow of slain US Army Sgt. La David Johnson.
“I mean come on! Look at him!” Kelly said in frustration as he referenced Kushner. “There’s no way he’s not involved up to his ass in some shady shit.”
Kelly’s brow furrowed and his frown deepened as he glanced through his e-mail inbox which kept populating at a rapid pace. The incoming e-mails were all of a similar theme: memes which highlighted Kelly’s lack of foresight, Crying Jordan memes with pictures of Kushner, Kelly, or Manafort, or simply pictures of Manafort in various prisoner outfits.
“Oh John’s gonna get savaged today.” said White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “I didn’t play in the pool because gambling is against God or whatever, but I followed it. Truth be told I totally would’ve picked Kushner,” she continued before steeling herself to meet the White House Press Corps to spew lies concerning President Trump’s twitter tantrum over the weekend.
“It’s not the pick that’s gonna give John heartburn. It’s all the shit that he talked.”
While is gambling is technically illegal on federal property, most offices have some form of informal pool on popular sporting/cultural events. If large enough, the winner of the pool usually takes his or her colleagues out to lunch. While it amounts to a harmless pastime, excessive, or particularly brash, banter, colloquially known as “Shit Talking”, can lead to recriminations. This White House is no exception to this phenomenon.
“What makes it worse was Pence had Manafort,” said Kelly Anne Conway, White House ‘Siren Who Lures Men to Their Watery Demise’ said with a skeletal-esque grin. “And Pence is probably the most low key petty person in the office. Heaven forbid they perp walk Paul (Manafort) out of his house. Pence will put that on a loop on all the White House TVs for at least a week,” continued the ‘malevolent being who walks among us seeking only to devour our souls’.
Kelly sighed as he checked his company hard copy inbox. Office pranksters had stuffed it completely full of Manafort pics of all sorts including the requisite, low quality photocopied buttocks complete with a photoshopped copy with Manafort’s face on it.
“Be nice if everyone put this much effort into Making America Great Again!” Kelly sarcastically yelled out after seeing his bloated inbox. Reportedly, White House office staff struggled to contain juvenile snickers whilst pretending to work.
White House sources reported that Vice President Pence, a flesh pod in a suit conditioned to spout Christian platitudes devoid of context on command, was in a cheerful mood. He didn’t bring up his winning of the office pool to Kelly as they passed each other in the break room near the coffee pot.
“That’s the worst thing with losing to Pence. The dude will lay back in the cut and wait until you least expect it,” said Reince Priebus, former White House Chief of Staff, who’d just “dropped by to pick up his final paycheck” which he was still apparently waiting on. “When I lost the primary pool last year I never heard the end of it. I swear Pency’s gotta have insider knowledge on this shit.”
White House sources later reported that after the morning briefing with President Trump Kelly came back to his office to find it covered in little papier-mâché forts with Paul Manafort’s picture plastered all over them.