Anonymous All Male Panel Assembled to Tackle Rampant Sexual Harassment

Amidst a tidal wave of allegations surrounding disgraced movie producer Harvey Weinstein, Hollywood entertainment industry executives have teamed up with Washington lawmakers in an effort to end sexual harassment nationally.



“Ladies. We hear you,” said an anonymous entertainment executive. “We have some good, quality men on this panel and we’ll get to the bottom of this. America’s gals you don’t need to worry. We’re on the job.”



“Fuckin’ Harvey man,” said one anonymous actor who had a pretty significant name he couldn’t share. “I told him to knock that shit off. Now look where we’re at. Well we’ll fix it ladies. Our bad. We got this.”



The first item on the agenda was to set a place for the meeting. “The important thing about this enterprise is to make sure there’s not a hint of political bias,” said an anonymous political operative. “So it won’t be in Washington, or Hollywood. There’s simply too much heat at the moment. So we’re carefully considering all our options.”



So far the cities of Las Vegas, Miami, Tampa, and Portland have been suggested as sites of neutrality. Some panelists have suggested maybe even going internationally to Amsterdam, Prague, Thailand, or Brazil.



Even though a site hasn’t been determined the panelists are working diligently laying the groundwork for an eventual program to be put in place.



“Currently most of us are speaking with legal counsel. We understand this is a very delicate matter, and so we’re all making sure we’re doing everything by the book, ensuring we’re all covered legally. It would be extremely embarrassing if an incident were to occur to a member of the panel during the panel actually taking place. It could jeopardize all the work we’re doing on behalf of women everywhere!” said a panelist who wished to remain anonymous in order to protect his family from harassment.



Even though the panel has put forth no recommendations, funded any studies, scheduled any talks, disclosed the names of its board members, and put forth only a smattering of press releases they’ve come under fire for lack of diversity.



“This just comes with the territory I’m afraid,” said another panelist who worked in the entertainment industry. “Any time you put yourself out there, to work for the betterment of others people are gonna be critical of your actions. I get that. It’s just sad, but stepping up for others who are less fortunate than you is what being a man is all about.”



“I don’t think people understand just how difficult it is to find a woman panelist that’s qualified to be up here. Now I don’t mean that the way it sounds, but to put a woman on this panel because she’s a woman would be sexist, and that’s what we’re trying to get rid of!” said an anonymous lawmaker. “Just give us a chance before you judge us.

I had a chance to speak with the President of the panel, who gave his name as John Barron. President Barron promised “Big things!” were to come. “This is gonna be the best panel let me tell you. Believe me. It’s gonna be great. Gonna be so amazing you’ll forget all other panels. The ratings for this thing are gonna be huge!”


When I asked as to what experience the President had with women’s issues he said, “A lot. I deal with them all the time. Even had to beat out a highly qualified woman for the job I have now so I know how they think. Believe me.”

“We have a lot of top men on this panel,” said a lawmaker, possibly entertainment person who used a voice modulator. “We’re not prone to fly off the handle, and let our feelings get in the way of good judgement. We’re gonna do good work. We have no choice now. We’re under the microscope thanks to fuckin’ Harvey fuckin’ Weinstein.