Humanity was stunned today as aliens from “a galaxy far, far away” made first contact through a hastily assembled press conference given by their earthly legal representation from the law firm of Rodriguez, Smith, Rodriguez.
“The extraterrestrial entity known as Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes are a group of well respected, intergalactic, planetary entertainers and artists who dispute the events recounted by Congressional Candidate Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera, and seek either clarification or retraction concerning their 1986 meeting,” said Miguel Rodriguez, lawyer for the Nodes.
In 2009, Republican Congressional Candidate Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera, who is running to take the seat of Republican Representative Ileana Ros-Lehtinen of Miami, claimed in an interview she had an encountered the famous cantina band.
The Miami Herald reported, “She described ‘going up’ inside the spaceship — though whether it went into space or just hovered around town was left unclear. ‘
I went in. There were some round seats that were there, and some quartz rocks that controlled the ship – not like airplanes,’ Rodriguez Aguilera said.”
In an exclusive interview with The Daily Banter the leader of the band, Lirin Car’n, the only remaining founding member of the Nodes doesn’t dispute this contact did, in fact, happen, but the events surrounding that encounter as recounted by Candidate Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera.
“Look ya gotta understand it was a rough time back then,” Lirin Car’n, said in the presence of legal counsel. “Figgie was gone. Nal, Ted, Do-Do, Ickie, Tech all of ‘em over that beef Skywalker had with Jabba.”
Mr. Car’n described the emotional devastation he suffered after the deaths of his bandmates during the explosion on Jabba the Hutt’s pleasure barge in 1983 Earth Time. Due to space limitations on the barge that made a back up Kloo Horn unnecessary Lirin Car’n was left behind at Jabba’s palace.
“Figgie told me to kick it. ‘Can’t fit another player in that space. Be clangin’ horns more than blownin’ ’em,’ he said. Have the palace to myself. Do-do called me a ‘lucky fuck’. Didn’t feel like it at the time, but…”
Mr. Car’n spent a year traveling aimlessly amongst the star systems of known space until he reconstituted the Modal Nodes with a new line up. “I kept Figgie’s name. Didn’t seem right to clip it out you know?” he said before he took a hit off of what could only be described as 70’s water bong made to look more “spacey”. “Gigs were rough to come by then. No one wanted to touch us. Call it bad lack, call it superstition or just being unproven, whatever but we struggled for work. So you either quit, or you take what you can get. That’s how we ended up in this jazz club in Little Havana, Miami in ’86.”
That’s the night Mr. Car’n met Candidate Rodriguez Aguilera. “Yeah man we partied,” He said offering me a hit which I waved off. “But it didn’t go down like she said.”
“So there’s no secret stash of skulls in a cave on the island of Malta?” I inquired.
“My man, haven’t you never said some crazy shit when you were blitzed off your ass trying to impress some chick?”
On the claim that the Earth’s Energy comes from Africa he simply shrugged, “This other chick left a copy of some Five Precent Nation writings by that Clarence 13X cat. I used to read it when I was lit. Shit sounded right. What do I know about this planet?”
When I asked why he’d taken so long to come forward Mr. Car’n was more adamant, “I wanted to set the record straight, and make no mistake that the Nodes do not support, or endorse the Trump administration in anything, in any way. That guy is a galactic asshole.”