The NRA’s Close Quarter Kids Seeks To Explode In America’s Schools

After days of silence following the mass shooting that claimed the lives of 59 people and wounded over 500 the National Rifle Association, NRA, has released a new self-defense program for school children titled “Close Quarter Kids”, or CQK.



“We understand Vegas (the last mass shooting at the time this quote was recorded) took place at a music festival, but given the rate of school shootings in the US another one is just around the corner,” said Thomas Gunner, NRA Public Relations.



Based on techniques developed for Special Forces and Police SWAT training, CQK, looks to put parents at ease and offer them a ray of hope in a troubled world.



“At first I was concerned. But now little Becky makes sure she always checks around corners before she enters a room,” Georgia Johnson, lifetime NRA supporter and co-chair of the PTA bake sale committee at Morning Glory Elementary “I always know where she’s at in the house because she’ll yell “CLEAR!” whenever she moves to another room. It’s just precious!”



“I couldn’t get my son interested in anything related to physics or math. Now I can’t get him to shut up about ballistics, bullet drop, windage variances and effective kill radius. Heck if that’s what it takes get him to learn whatever the hell a co-sign is then I’m for it,” said Bobby Taylor, father of two and little league baseball coach.



While Close Quarter Kids is only offered in three Christian Schools the architects of the program have national aspirations.



“CQK teaches valuable life skills. Many children will go on to careers in the military and law enforcement. So the urban combat training portion they receive here will be a foundation that can be built upon.” said Dave Jefferies, former XE (Blackwater) Military Contractor and founder of Close Quarter Kids.



Dressed in gray urban camouflage fatigues, topped with a black beret and requisite Oakley mirror shades Dave Jefferies cuts an imposing figure, but one the kids have taken to calling “Capt. Jeffey”.



“Instead of recess we run children through an obstacle course with simulated live fire. It’s just an audio recording but we hope to get permission to fire live rounds over their heads. You can’t know what it’s like to be shot at until you’re actually shot at, and we don’t wanna do a disservice to our kids.”



As we walked the obstacle course, named “The Playground” without a hint of irony, Jefferies gestured with his SIG 550 service rifle, and spoke of CQK’s future curriculum. Where once stood swing sets and monkey bars surrounded by a sand pit and padded bars now lanes of barbed wire, a small moot with tube that ran underwater, and ended with a fighting pit. 



“We’re gonna have them (children) stand three feet apart in simulated hostage situations. We’ll yell at them trying to create as much noise and chaos as we can. Eventually they’ll have to take the shot, and either they kill the perp or the hostage.”



“That won’t be live fire I hope,” I asked nervously.



“Oh God no! That would be insane,” Jefferies said with a laugh. When I inquired as to the possibility of psychological trauma this training might have in young children Jefferies dismissed such notions.


“It doesn’t matter if they shoot their friends in training. It’ll only be blanks. What’s important is they take the shot. They have to get over their fear of snatching a human life. More than likely one of them will turn out to be a school shooter in the future so it’s best if they mentally prepare. And that’s why I’m here, to prepare them for a situation no one ever wants to face.

”

When I asked his thoughts on how possible gun control legislation might mitigate the need for his program he merely smiled. 



“I don’t deal in fantasy. Just reality.”