I would like to personally thank Anthony Scaramucci for ten days of selfless service and sacrifice to this great nation. You really did a great f_cking job and taught those motherf_cking c_cksuckers a thing or two about how we do sh_t in New York.
It was a clusterf_ck of a week and a half, but you still kicked ass all over the f_cking place. So little time, so many people to whack. You took out Sean “The Mouth” Spicer before you even got to the f_cking clubhouse. He heard on the QT you were coming in to straighten some people out and got the f_ck out of there in a hurry, didn’t he? You and me both know it took a little juice to do that, and what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Believe me, it’s always better when there are no witnesses.
Nice f_cking job on Reince “The Mole” Priebus. What kind of f_cking name is that, anyway? Sounds like a fanook name to me if I ever heard one. We both knew that scumbag was singing to the papers. In the old days we used to take a guy like that for a visit to the f_cking Potomac. But this time you did things the classy way. You gave him his letter of resignation, put a loaded gun to his head, and assured him that either his brains or his signature would be on the letter. That’s a true story.
But I keep thinking about the things that might have been. No doubt another couple of weeks and you would’ve whacked Sarah F_ckabee Sanders. She was a real ballbuster, and I’m not even so sure that hillbilly c_nt wears shoes.
Then there was Jeff “Granny” Sessions. That stunad came on like a real goombah in the beginning, but he’s looking more and more like a rat every day. I’ll tell you something right now, if that asshole should get pinched he’ll cut a deal and turn on every one of you. I’m just saying, if he makes a move, you and me might have to go south for a while and take a little vacation.
Naturally you don’t want to come in there and clip everybody right off the bat. Jimmy “Mad Dog” Mattis is not a bad wartime consigliere, and Ben Carson isn’t bad for a moulinyan. Rick Perry’s a mook, but you could’ve sent him out to Vegas to learn the casino business. You might want to keep Sonny Perdue around. I heard he makes a mean chicken scarpariello, and that might come in handy if you wind up together in the joint. I heard he slices up the onions real thin so they melt right in the pan. It’s a really good system.
Personally, I’d keep an eye on Mike Pompeo, because word on the street is he might be keeping an eye on you and your friend, the Don. And as I’ve indicated before, Nikki Haley has a nice ass. And you would want to keep Scott Pruitt around for the time being. He might be of use in the disposal business.
Anyway, bon f_cking voyage, and don’t forget to write. Good luck with the wife and the comare. If you hear from the feds, you don’t know sh_t. And if the SkyBridge heist comes in, make sure to kick something upstairs. Otherwise, the boys will make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Rich Herschlag is well into his third decade as an author, consulting engineer, husband and father and is very tired.