Sean Spicer is the best TV sitcom running right now. He’s laughably hapless, painfully hopeless, and utterly inept, and what makes his one-man show so watchable is his level of commitment to the part. Spicer’s incompetence is matched only by his relentless rage at having to put that incompetence on full display every day because his job requires that he speak coherently to people, even though speaking coherently obviously isn’t his strong suit. He became best known right out of the gate for covering for Donald Trump’s insecure rant about the size of his inaugural crowd by seconding that crap, saying unequivocally that Trump’s underwhelming turn-out was actually “the largest audience to witness an inauguration, period.” That immediately gave you a feel for Spicer as somebody who, if Trump had taken his dick out on a whim at the inauguration, would have taken his own dick out in the press room the next day just to show how, you know, normal that kind of thing is.
Like so much about the Trump administration — with its cadre of con men, reality show stars, dumb sycophants, and rank amateurs — Spicer doesn’t know how to do the one thing his position demands. That, again, is speaking to people in a clear, concise, coherent manner. To wit: Three times over the last week, as part of his continued defense of Trump’s idiotic and un-American Muslim immigration and travel ban, Spicer cited a series of supposed terrorists attacks on American soil that allegedly could have been prevented by this draconian measure. Among them, according to Spicer, was an attack in “Atlanta.” “What do we say to the family who loses somebody over a terroristic (sic, surprise) — to whether it’s Atlanta or San Bernardino or the Boston bomber?” he said on January 29th.
That was the first time. Twice more, on separate occasions, he again mentioned this mysterious attack in Atlanta. Mysterious because, well, there hasn’t been a radical Islam-related terror attack in Atlanta. Not ever. There was the Centennial Olympic Park bombing in 1996, but that was carried out by homegrown right-wing extremist Eric Rudolph so, you know, it doesn’t count. Other than that, nada. Given how willing this administration has been to make up attacks that never happened — the “Bowling Green Massacre,” anyone? — journalists started to wonder if this was just another case of Trump’s people flat-out lying to make the threat of being killed by terrorists seem more pronounced than it actually is.
Well, now Sean Spicer is apologizing for the confusion. Turns out, he says, he meant to say Orlando all those times he said Atlanta. He was referencing the Pulse nightclub shooting. Atlanta, Orlando — they sound so much alike. Spicer just got confused. Could happen to anybody. Except that it’s not supposed to happen to the White House press secretary, someone whose job — one more time for the cheap seats — is to communicate clearly. Spicer, obviously, can’t do that, given that he screwed up the location of the single worst shooting rampage in American history. “What do we say to the family” that loses someone in a terror or terror-related attack? Well, we usually start by getting the fucking place where they died right. That’s literally the least we can do, Sean.
Given that Spicer has such a reputation already, it’s not like this spectacularly dumb accident is a rarity. It’s not happening in a vacuum. Spicer’s massacring of the English language, from mispronunciations to full-blown verbal brain farts, is such a regular feature of his briefings and statements that just yesterday, GQ released a video called “Sean Spicer’s Alternative ABCs,” which walks us through the alphabet by way of Spicer mangling words left and right. It’s hilarious — and just mercilessly depressing. This is the man who speaks for the President of the United States, who’s a man who himself can’t speak and who doesn’t have a single idea what the fuck he’s talking about at any time because he’s a lazy moron.
Presenting: Sean Spicer's Alternative ABCs pic.twitter.com/A74yFJv8cW
— 300 days ago Trump promised 24-hr Hezbollah answer (@MattNegrin) February 8, 2017
That giant meteor is looking better and better right about now.