Your Petition for Vegetarian and Vegan Menu Choices at In-N-Out Is Stupid

When I left California to return to the East Coast years and years ago, I knew there were things I was going to miss. The weather, the scenery, the people, the attitude — those were obvious. But somewhere near the very top of the list of qualities I was sure to be lamenting the lack of in short order, there was one that stood out: In-N-Out. For the uninitiated, In-N-Out is quite simply the best damn fast food burger in America. Maybe the best burger in America, period. The burgers at In-N-Out are so lovingly realized, so flawlessly constructed, such a symphony of tastes, textures and temperatures as to be some kind of wonderful alchemy. There are some good burger places out there, but there’s nothing like In-N-Out.  

But, since In-N-Out doesn’t appeal to literally every single person on the planet, this means there’s something inherently wrong with it. Since even a handful of people aren’t getting what they want out of it and feel excluded, it’s up to In-N-Out to adjust what it’s done for decades on its notoriously change-resistant menu so that every part of their environments can be curated to their absolute satisfaction. 

Enter, Change.org — every pissy far-left busybody’s favorite tool for correcting alleged injustices of all kinds and attempting to socially engineer the world. Something calling itself the Good Food Institute, whose motto is “Creating a Healthy, Humane, and Sustainable Food Supply,” has started a Change.org petition asking people to “use your voice to tell the execs at In-N-Out that a veggie burger deserves a place on the menu!” 

According to the petition, “In-N-Out has been letting its fans down by failing to serve anything that would satisfy a burger-loving customer who wants a healthy, humane, and sustainable option.” (They got that slogan in, of course.) “Burger chains nationwide have been getting huge returns from meat alternatives, and In-N-Out could do the same,” the posting continues. “And by making this single addition, In-N-Out would be making a huge statement that it truly cares about its customers health and the health of the planet.”

Oh, and it tries to leverage a need to appeal to millennials by In-N-Out, citing how they’re “leading the charge” for “plant-based meats” — whatever the fuck that is — with the awesome might of their disposable income. 

So far there are upwards of 20-thousand signatures on this thing. 

Now, look — technically there’s nothing wrong with asking In-N-Out for a vegetarian option. But on the other hand there kind of is. If you don’t eat the food In-N-Out serves because you’ve decided it’s unethical or just not your thing, well, tough luck. The place doesn’t owe you shit. And millennial money or no millennial money, In-N-Out is not hurting for revenue. Jesus, go to literally any In-N-Out at any time of the day or night and you’ll find a line of cars around the block. What In-N-Out is doing has worked for it for a hell of a long time; it definitely appeals to enough of the public to continue doing a bang-up business. 

Don’t like what’s on the menu? Go somewhere else. In-N-Out will be fine. Or just try one of their heavenly burgers — animal-style, of course. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to grab a Double-Double then start a Change.org petition demanding that Del Taco start serving Italian food, because millennials like Italian food, right?  

Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.