It makes perfect sense that a clown-haired reality-show diva will be officially nominated at a convention that’ll likely resemble a circus. A circus with guns. The New York Times on Friday made it perfectly clear that if Donald Trump has his way, it’ll be more like a circus planned by the Little Rascals. Also with guns.
According to his aides, Trump, who most recently failed to grasp the concept of counting to five and the basics of how the Supreme Court hands down decisions, apparently didn’t know that the Republican convention had to be held in Cleveland. Evidently, Trump thought he could hold the convention wherever he damn well pleased. We can only assume he’d choose one of his own buildings — many of which are decorated to look like the 1970s mistresses in Goodfellas.
Trump also thought it’d be an excellent idea to hold the convention in an open-air stadium, not unlike the stadium portion of President Obama’s 2008 convention. Of course Trump wouldn’t come close to being able to fill the venue, but sure. Trump’s goal, however, wasn’t to match Obama’s feat but, instead, to book a venue that’d enable him to ride a helicopter onto the stage.
No, we’re not making that up. Trump wanted to be transported by helicopter into the convention. Personally, I love this idea because it presents very real odds for Trump’s ludicrous hair-helmet to unfurl on prime time television. In fact, I’d pay to see this. There’s also the added suspense of not knowing whether Trump would be decapitated by the chopper blades.
Trump also considered lighting off fireworks inside the arena. Again, an event I’d totally support, given how there’d inevitably been scores of Trump supporters wandering around with singed hair and no eyebrows after being struck by spectacularly colorful Chinese-made fire bombs. Sadly, this idea was also scratched.
Here’s an idea. What if we combine the helicopter idea and the fireworks idea. Specifically, what if Trump rode a gigantic bottle-rocket into the arena? On all three nights.
Speaking of which, in addition to the stadium, the helicopter and the fireworks, Trump seriously considered whether he should speak every night of the convention. He finally nixed the concept after he determined that it’d be “grandstanding.” Yes, Trump was worried about looking like he’s a blowhard. Sorry, Bozo, this particular clown car has already left the station.
Come to think of it, screw everything. Trump should arrive at the convention on a jet-pack, then he should pole-vault onto the stage where he’ll wrestle the Bionic Bigfoot in a pit of quick sand. The fracas will be refereed by Gary Busey, and everyone in the audience will get a pet monkey dressed exactly like Trump himself. And the fireworks. The more explodey, the better.
Meanwhile, we heard earlier in the week that Mike Ditka and Mike Tyson were asked to speak, thus confirming the observation that the whole Trump campaign is nothing more than a promotion for Celebrity Apprentice. Sadly, Ditka has since declined, leaving room for Meat Loaf or Ted Nugent to appear.
And finally, it sounds like his vice presidential nominee will be either Chris Christie or Newt Gingrich. If it’s Christie, Trump has to make Christie ride the helicopter. Christie, after all, loves to ride helicopters for frivolous reasons. Frankly, I prefer Newt since a would-be Trump/Gingrich ticket will not only boast two candidates with three wives each as the nominees from the “family values” party, but both candidates will have been previously embarrassed on television by Sacha Baron Cohen’s “Ali G” character.
One way or another, the Cleveland event is going to span varying degrees of awfulness and mayhem.