Every time you think the comedy of errors that is the Republican party right now can’t get any more ridiculous or depressing, you wake up and realize it’s a brand new day. It’s a whole new 24 hours for somebody within the GOP establishment to do something that’s the political equivalent of slipping on a banana peel and falling into a bear trap. It’s almost always as part of the party’s ongoing hapless freak-out as it tries to contain the Asshole Higgs Boson it created that now threatens to destroy the universe: Donald Trump. And today, predictably, the party unleashed it’s most potent weapon against Trump, the fully operational semi-living embodiment of the party itself.
The Romneybot 9000.
Like a Jaeger constructed in a last-ditch effort by a panicked humanity, the empty suit and haircut that is Mitt Romney announced that he would be holding a news conference this morning to discuss the Kaiju Trump threat. He billed it as a sort of “State of the Campaign” address, the kind only an elder GOP statesman like him could give, seeing as how he’s a sentient country club. Never mind that Trump’s domination of the conservative rabble is directly in response to uptight elitist hacks like Romney and that Romney would, in fact, be playing right into Trump’s hand, the party just can’t help itself at this point. It needs to do something — and there’s nothing more “something” than Mitt.
So this morning you had the Romneybot, failed presidential candidate from 2012 and the least inspiring person who ever tried to inspire conservatives — with the exception of their combined vast wealth, the Anti-Trump — trying to warn the rank-and-file of the danger Trump represents. In what the AP is calling, hilariously, “an extraordinary display of Republican chaos,” Romney said Trump is a “phony” who’s “playing America for suckers.” He implied that Trump would bring about totalitarianism, saying that he’s tapping into a “brand of anger that has led other nations into the abyss.” All true, to be sure — and to thanks to software upgrade, surprisingly florid from Romney — but the whole thing was over before it began.
That’s because Romney couldn’t have walked into Trump’s propeller more woefully than if he’d literally walked into the propeller of Trump’s helicopter. See, even though Beltway Republicans can’t seem to remember past their last high-end bourbons, the past actually does exist and we can return there through video and audio at the push of a button. And so, it took all of a few minutes for everybody to remember — and for Donald Trump to gleefully remind Romney — that it was just four years ago that Mitt Romney sought and accepted the endorsement of Donald Trump for his own failed campaign for president.
Trump, of course, didn’t just remind Romney of this, because that wouldn’t be vulgar and “Trumpian” enough of an insult. After mocking Romney as a “choke artist” — a bit unfair seeing as how Romney was never really in the race to begin with — he invoked the image of Romney pretty much blowing him. “He was begging for my endorsement,” Trump said. “I could have said ‘Mitt, drop to your knees.’ He would’ve dropped to his knees.” Trump promised to keep his comments about Romney short since Romney’s desperate plea for conservatives to turn back to the light was “irrelevant” — and yet he managed to talk about it for a full 25 minutes. If Romney were on Twitter he’d probably be getting an earful tonight.
This is all the Republicans have to stop Trump. This is the best they can do. Jesus, after Romney spoke, he figuratively linked arms with John McCain as some kind of bulwark against the Trump onslaught. The last two failed GOP presidential candidates standing there alone in the middle of the street, defiantly waiting to get eaten alive or merely stepped on by the rampaging Trumpzilla.
If the country weren’t in danger of being sucked into the implosion this would be a fucking riot. As it is, though, the incompetence is just staggering.
Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.