This Is The Greatest Description Of The 2016 Republican Candidates Ever

Recently I have struggled to find the words to describe the horror show otherwise known as the 2016 Republican primaries, mostly because it is so horrific I can’t bring myself to watch it any more. I’m sure if I had watched the debate last night I would be spending the entire day figuring out how best to describe the grueling marathon of hate, ignorance and buffoonery.

However, Damon Young over at Very Smart Brothas has, I believe, written the very best description of this field of candidates thus far after watching the shit-show, saving me from having to say anything at all. In an article pithily titled: “Someone Needs To Put The GOP Presidential Nominees in a Van. And Push That Van Off a Bridge,” Young had the following to say about Trump, Cruz, Bush and the other jokers working collectively to drop the nation’s IQ to unprecedented levels of stupidity:

These aren’t just brown bananas. This is peeling open the banana skins to reveal a seven-inch-long log of shit. At least John McCain had some nobility and integrity beneath his perpetual thousand yard stare. And while Mitt Romney was a soulless and colorless corporate sycophant — the human equivalent of corn syrup — he at least seemed competent. Like he would have ran America like the world’s largest Williams Sonoma. But these motherfuckers now? My goodness. To call them a horror show would be an insult to boogeymen, clowns, Candyman, undercooked poultry, Peter Gunzand everything else that produces and induces horror. I know I said this already, but it bears repeating: Every. Single. One. of them is either deformed or deranged. Or both.

This cannot be repeated enough. The Republican candidates are not real human beings, or politicians, or even corporate hacks pretending to be politicians.

They are in fact seven-inch-long logs of shit.

Ben Cohen is the editor and founder of The Daily Banter. He lives in Washington DC where he does podcasts, teaches Martial Arts, and tries to be a good father. He would be extremely disturbed if you took him too seriously.