Cheers to you running for President in 2016! You’ve made every liberal in the country extremely happy with your announcement, partly because lampooning your idiotic statements is so much fun, but mainly because you promise to make a complete mockery of the GOP primaries. It really is the greatest gift to the Democratic cause since Sarah Palin.
Of course you know that you can’t actually win the nomination – it’s a huge vanity project that hopefully raises your profile a little and keeps you in the national dialogue (and also means more TV deals no doubt!). The most mundane, corporate friendly Republican will win after the big GOP donors chuck enough money at them to prevent unelectable halfwits facing off against the Democratic nominee, as we saw with Mitt Romney’s tortuous battles with the likes of Herman Cain and Rick Perry. Make no mistake – the Republican money men are not going to be happy about you running – you are about to cost them big time.
After the debacle of the GOP primaries and hundreds of millions of dollars lost, whoever emerges out of the ashes will be easy pickings for the Democratic nominee. As George Bernard Shaw once said: “Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it”. You see, your inane ramblings about Obama’s birth certificate, your secret knowledge of how to defeat ISIS, and having a “great relationship with the blacks,” means the ‘serious’ candidates will have to engage you. And while you are enjoying the attention, the serious candidates will be ruining their reputation over issues that you have quite literally pulled out of your ass.
Anyways, just to say that we wholeheartedly support your bid for the Presidency, and thanks again for your commitment to liberalism in America!
Every liberal in America
Ben Cohen is the editor and founder of The Daily Banter. He lives in Washington DC where he does podcasts, teaches Martial Arts, and tries to be a good father. He would be extremely disturbed if you took him too seriously.