As the saying goes: “some people are so poor that all they have is money.” Judged by this standard, Donald Trump is about as wealthy as Lehman Brothers at the end of Q3 in ’08. However, in Trump’s reality, he is a super swell guy with so much dough he could buy you. In fact, Donald Trump has so much money that he could buy all the Republican presidential candidates with his pocket change.
In a truly amazing interview with The Des Moines Register on Monday, Donal Trump laid out just how much bigger his penis was than all the other sissies lining up for a crack at the big job. He told the interviewer:
I’m the most successful person ever to run for the presidency, by far. Nobody’s ever been more successful than me. I’m the most successful person ever to run. Ross Perot isn’t successful like me. Romney — I have a Gucci store that’s worth more than Romney.
It is worth bearing in mind that Woodrow Wilson graduated from Princeton University, then got a doctoral degree from John Hopkins University. Before becoming President, Wilson also served as governor of New Jersey and was president of Princeton University. While Donald Trump’s Gucci store might bring in a lot of cash, it isn’t necessarily they type of ‘success’ that prepares one to helm the most powerful nation state on the planet.
The size of Trump’s bank account aside, the ginger haired real estate tycoon also wants everyone to know they will be voting for his strategic military mind should he decide to run*. Trump has a plan to take out ISIS you see, a plan so brilliant it’s beautiful.
“I have an absolute way of defeating ISIS,” said Trump. “And it would be decisive and quick and it would be very beautiful. Very surgical.”
The plan is so spectacularly brilliant that Trump CANNOT discuss it properly given the risk that his potential rivals might steal it to win the Presidency. He said:
If I tell you right now, everyone else is going to say: ‘Wow, what a great idea. You’re going to have 10 candidates going to use it and they’re going to forget where it came from. Which is me.
So listen up losers, Donald Trump is in town and he has more cash than you do. He also knows how to do things that he can’t tell you about because you would be jealous. So move it. Losers.
* He won’t – he has been saying he’ll run for president every election cycle since 2000.
Ben Cohen is the editor and founder of The Daily Banter. He lives in Washington DC where he does podcasts, teaches Martial Arts, and tries to be a good father. He would be extremely disturbed if you took him too seriously.