Have you ever seen one of those videos of a kitten getting its head stuck in something, like a jar or a tissue box maybe? It’s adorable watching a little guy twist and turn and try to claw his way out of the predicament, completely oblivious to what exactly is happening to him. This is what I like to imagine is going on whenever a Kardashian tries to think. Complex observation and analysis is the jar and the Kardashian brain is the kitten head that’s suddenly trapped and completely overwhelmed, forcing the poor thing to become a frenzied blur of tiny paws and aimless scratches as it just tries to get things back to normal — “normal” in the case of Kylie Jenner being Instagram feuds, baby mama drama,partying in Monaco, and generally being famous for being famous.
See, Kylie Jenner has something very important she wants to talk about, you guys. The youngest daughter of the incurable social disease known as the Kardashian family is concerned she’s the “only one who sees” the problem of chemtrails criss-crossing our skies and maybe poisoning the “Honey Bee’s” or — gasp! — even exterminating her personally. On Monday, she posted this message to the nearly ten million people who cling to her every word on Twitter.
— Kylie Jenner (@KylieJenner) May 26, 2015
I’m sure that, like Kylie Jenner, you’re also demanding to know “whos is responcible” for the chemtrail threat in our skies. Or at least you would be if you hadn’t passed the fifth grade or were an escaped mental patient suffering from paranoid schizophrenia. I’ll assume the former rather than the latter applies to Kylie, which means that she missed out on learning about the three phases of water and how it might apply to contrails coming off of the wings and engines of jets, especially at high altitudes. I’ll also assume she has some kind of appreciation for the possibility that just because something is shocking and new to her, as a 17-year-old, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s new to the entire planet. Actually, I take that back — I have no doubt Kylie Jenner believes the world was created about ten minutes before she was born.
Look, I get that this is just a teenager. But this teenager has millions of people listening to her — the above tweet was favorited almost 7,000 times and RTd nearly 4,000 times — and while admittedly most of them are interested in nothing more than getting Kylie to follow them, her endorsement of a batshit crazy conspiracy theory matters in our culture. It matters because, for reasons I’ll go to my grave never fucking figuring out, the Kardashians matter. We’ve reached a point in the interminable life cycle of these people where many of their harshest critics have now finally just given up and embraced them, claiming that, for example, Kim Kardashian really is a brilliant artist rather than a brainless inflatable ass that got its start in a porn video.
The ridiculous chemtrails conspiracy theory, like all ridiculous conspiracy theories in our culture these days, requires almost no oxygen to ignite and spread. So when the impressive amount of air between a Kardashian’s ears is provided, that can do some pretty serious damage. There’s always the (very slim) possibility that Kylie is merely trolling — as Talking Points Memo notes, simply trying to deflect people away from the rumors surrounding her and her family. But as TPM also notes, one way or the other, Kylie Jenner potentially just turned almost ten million new people on to one of the dumbest and most easily debunked bits of conspiratorial nonsense out there.
Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.