The NSA’s Earth Day Recycling Mascot Will Give You Night Terrors

The National Security Agency (NSA) and its spying operations are debatable. Whether the NSA is spying on you personally or whether the agency is solely targeting terrorists and bad actors is a discussion that’s ongoing. What’s not debatable, and what’s perfectly clear is that the NSA should never, ever under any circumstances create cartoon characters. This can’t be underscored enough. I don’t care why, I don’t care what. Just, no. Never again.

In honor of Earth Day, the NSA unveiled a cartoon character intended to highlight the agency’s dedication to recycling. So far so good. The character’s name is “Dunk,” which is — hmm — a little odd, but not terrible. However, what was supposed to be a funny, child-centric cartoon ended up looking like a terrifying Brundlefly of a recycling bin and SpongeBob Square Pants.

Obviously, it’s all about the face, which is somewhere on the spectrum of The Babadook, Jack Nicholson’s The Joker and a botched plastic surgery victim. I realize that this might put me on a watch-list of some sort, but who the hell at the NSA looked at this and said, “Yeah, that totally won’t give anyone night terrors.” On top of that, the character is pointing at a recycling logo that’s evidently tattooed on his crotch, as if to say, “You know you want it.”

I really hope Glenn Greenwald and Laura Poitras are scouring their Snowden files in search of the identity of the serial killer who’s clearly working as the NSA’s art director. Something tells me there’s a filthy crawl space in Fort Meade where a weirdo with his privates tucked between his legs is scribbling down harrowing cartoons using a Sharpy on squares of human skin.

Bob Cesca is the host of the Bob Cesca Show podcast, a twice weekly political talk show. He’s also a contributor to Follow him on Twitter and on Facebook.