This Week in News Proves Florida is Certifiably Insane

There are a few places on planet earth where human culture has morphed into something so bizarre that visiting aliens would likely pack up their spaceships and head back home to Ursa Minor Beta. Places like North Korea, Saudi Arabia and Somalia spring to mind – deeply repressive countries where you can get executed for watching TV, women can’t show their faces, and much of life is spent warring over something someone wrote on a piece of paper several hundred years ago.

And then, there is Florida.

This past week in the sunshine state alone, three KKK linked prison guards were charged in a plot to kill a former inmate, a man used his Chevy Camaro to pull his son’s teeth out, Republicans went to war with Democrats in order to prevent poor people getting health insurance, and a new deadly drug named ‘Flakka’ swept the state leading to a man trying to break into a police station, another man impaling himself attempting to scale a fence, and a gun wielding naked man shouting “I feel delusional, and I’m hallucinating!” from a rooftop.

Bat. Shit. Crazy.

Lest we not remember that this is the state where government officials can’t use the word ‘climate change’ because it is ‘not a true fact‘, it is legal to shoot unarmed black people, meth zombies eat people’s faces, and attempts to fight ebola consist of proposing laws stopping women trying on bathing suits. Sure, you can get you hand chopped off in Saudi Arabia for stealing, but in Florida, you run the risk of getting your ear bitten off for refusing someone a cigarette.

In a rational world, Florida would be cordoned off from the rest of America and a team of the world’s top psychologists sent in to perform rigorous examinations on every (non zombie) resident. Following an in depth diagnosis, all Floridians would be required to engage in an extensive period of reflection (i.e no contact with anyone outside Florida), combined with the use of the strongest anti psychotic medications on the market. Perhaps then Floridians would realize that they’ve all been a bunch of crazy bastards and stop shooting their genitals off.

But we don’t live in a rational world, and Florida is still regarded as an official place with a real government. It is possible that something like extreme climate change will force Floridians to contend with reality after the majority of its coastline goes under water, but knowing Florida, they’ll probably see it as more water to go fishing in. Even if there aren’t any fish left.

Ben Cohen is the editor and founder of The Daily Banter. He lives in Washington DC where he does podcasts, teaches Martial Arts, and tries to be a good father. He would be extremely disturbed if you took him too seriously.