The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) began in earnest on Wednesday, so get ready for the usual conga-line of YouTube videos featuring various guest speakers saying obnoxious things. It’s an annual tradition: members of Congress as well as characters from the conservative entertainment complex gather together to troll both liberals and Normals with their special brand of nearsighted bumper sticker sloganeering and thinly-disguised grifting.
Meanwhile, CPAC premiered a special promotional desktop wallpaper for the event (building a bridge to Windows 95?) featuring all of its top-shelf guest speakers. But it’s no ordinary poster. It’s obviously designed to look like a one-sheet for Marvel’s The Avengers.
Funny. I don’t care how you package this rogues gallery, it’s not going to make them look cool or hip to young people. It’s difficult to imagine Millennials lining up to hear Mark Levin shriek into a microphone about how Obama is the Real Racist, or to hear Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) talk about her latest Truther conspiracy theory.
Of course, this poster raises an important question: what exactly are the superpowers for each of these conservative CPAC Avengers?
Ben Carson’s Superpower: The Mysterious Doctor Token. Carson can employ his force-field powers to shield far-right allies against accusations of racism, especially when he materializes on conservative talk radio shows as the host’s “black friend.” If you’re a conservative who’s accused of saying something racist, just invoke the catchphrase: “What about Doctor Ben Carson? He’s black.” And WHOOSH! ZAP! The Doctor will appear to valiantly smite every social justice warrior in your Twitter feed.
John Bolton’s Superpower: The Mustache Rider. Don’t make John Bolton angry by praising the virtues of the United Nations — you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry about the United Nations. When outraged, Bolton’s mustache quadruples in size, then flies off on a rampage, smashing anything resembling the New World Order.
Laura Ingraham’s Superpower: The Acid Queen. After insisting that man-made climate change is a hoax, an errant ultraviolet beam from Earth’s yellow Sun broke through the thick layer of atmospheric CO2 and enveloped Ingraham, mutating her bile ducts and allowing her spit massive streams of acidic spooge, capable of melting both the skin and the IQ of her enemies.
Rick Santorum’s Superpower: The Slippery Slope. Using his viscous discharge, Santorum can create a slippery slope leading from any liberal position to man-on-dog sex.
Ted Cruz’s Superpower: The Futilitron. Whenever Cruz engages his Futilitron weapon by talking continuously for days on end, the Futilitron automatically calls a vote on the Senate floor to de-fund Obamacare, which subsequently fails.
Bobby Jindal’s Superpower: The Infantilizer. While attending a 2008 Palin rally, Jindal was bitten by a radioactive moron. Since then, Jindal gained the ability to make serious topics sound childish and silly. Sure, “maglev” trains would revolutionize transportation, but not after Jindal referred to them as if they’re Vaudevillian magic tricks. Now, half the country thinks “magnetic levitation” is insane. And even though volcanic eruptions can wipe out entire populations, he publicly ridiculed increased spending for “volcano monitoring,” transforming these important geological warning systems into frivolous pork barrel projects.
Rand Paul’s Superpower: The Flash-Flopper. After Rand Paul’s toupee was struck by lightning he acquired the superpower to reverse positions nearly at the speed of light, often reversing himself several times in a single millisecond. (Rand Paul’s sidekick is, of course, the Southern Avenger.)
Scott Walker’s Superpower: The Unionbuster. Dressed in his droopy-eyed mechanical suit, Walker can totally annihilate even the mightiest labor union.
Rick Perry’s Superpower: Captain Real America. Injected with a serum by Minutemen vigilantes at the Texas/Mexico border, Rick Perry transformed from a Texas shit-kicker into a two-term governor with the power to run for president while under indictment. By day, Perry uses his “smart” non-prescription glasses as a clever disguise. By night, he’s Captain Real America, embodying everything that’s stupid and awful about the United States.
Mark Levin’s Superpower: The Bearded Adenoid. Using his high-pitched nasally voice, Mark Levin’s supersonic screech can not only shatter your faith in The Truth or Empirical Reality, but it can also liquefy your brain. Levin can be seen teaming up with Laura Ingraham to poison the airwaves with misinformation and horseshit.
And there they are, true believers. The Conservative Avengers.
God help us all.