An official in the Michigan Republican Party has accidentally killed herself when the gun in her bra that was pointed right at her face discharged and shot her right in said face. While you might find it easy to make jokes — because it’s so incredibly easy to make jokes — I think there is a serious, Apollo 13-level engineering failure going on here. The gun that Christina Bond kept in her bra was actually tucked into a bra holster, which is a thing that really exists. But in almost every photographic example of a bra holster, the gun is pointing directly at the wearer’s face or chest.
Here’s what I want to know:
Isn’t it a bad idea to wear a gun that’s pointed at your face or chest all day?
I feel like this is a terrifying way to live, literally staring down the barrel of a gun every time you look down at your own phone, lap, or fabulous boobs, as we girl are wont to do. If you wanted to live life on the edge, a tattoo conveying such a motto or even a nipple piercing would be a lot less risky and you wouldn’t even have to figure out a way to shove it into your bra. This is assuming that this is the message you want to send. But either option seems safer than putting a handgun that is pointing at your face or chest, inches from your face or chest.
Isn’t it cold?
I guess the holster could keep the metal of the gun off your skin, but the ones I’ve seen are gun-to-flesh, which would be sexy if it was a prop gun in a movie, but not a real gun pointing at your face or chest. What if you wear that thing out in the cold, shiver a little too hard, and BANG? Is it worth it?
Can’t people see it?
I’m not talking about open-carry issues. I’m talking about a lumpy-ass gun crammed into your bra. I’m guessing that one reason (not the primary one) you’re keeping a gun in your bra is because it seems like a really hot-shit idea. But if you’re trying to be hot shit, are you wearing something bulky that would conceal all that lumpy metal shit in your bra? Of course not. You’re wearing something tight, streamlined, maybe even sheer. And guess what — that’s gonna show through like an uncircumsized penis in a cheap speedo. Not cute.
Is this God’s plan?
Most people who insist on carrying guns also believe in God. 1. Because most people still believe in God, but 2. because, sorry, it’safuckingthing. So if you’re wearing a gun that, I repeat, is pointed directly at your face inches from your face, are you willing to accept that God wants you to shoot yourself in the face? If you sneeze before someone says “God bless you” and your boob gun goes off and explodes your skull, can you at least acknowledge that this was not just your fault but God’s will?
Ahhhh, wait — I just got it. You do know this is God’s plan. You are willing to accept death as truth and detach from your corporeal vessel at any given time because you know it isn’t up to you. We have no control. It’s God’s world, we’re just living in it — until we’re not. That’s beautiful.
Well, I applaud you, boob gun owners. And further, I applaud all the men who wear their guns in their pants, aimed right at their dicks, protecting the world from all their stupid offspring.
Thank you, patriots. Thank you for your service.