America’s most romantic lovebirds, Charles Manson and Star Burton, have announced the cancellation of their marriage just a few days before Valentine’s Day. Apparently these crazy kids discovered some incompatibilities at the last minute, but at least Star and Charlie avoided a marriage that was not going to work and parted ways before a split would have proved even more painful and/or homicidal.
Some people have said that the age difference was the biggest problem. True, Charlie is 80 and Star is 27, but mostly people were concerned about a young, stupid woman marrying a psychotic, paranoid serial killer. But could you really blame Star for falling so hard for all that charisma? And wanting to put his corpse on display in a glass case and charge admission?
That might seem crazy to you, but this was obviously meant to be Star’s way of celebrating Charlie and carrying on his legacy for generations to come. But no. Apparently, Charlie thought this idea was ridiculous because according to him, he has no plans to die. He’s just too selfish. “I need ‘me’ time,” he probably said, “because as a warrior for the truth, I have to stick a knife into every pig person on the planet to smell the lies in their blood, empty their veins of scorpion venom, and preach to the masses as Christ.” Or something like that.
Look, we can keep repeating “At least she knew before the wedding” to ourselves, but does that make up for the time Charlie spent deceiving a woman who genuinely pretended to love him? Star was probably dropping hints about her plans to display Charlie’s corpse and he’d act like he was fine with it, even enthusiastic. Though there were most likely signs that he wasn’t totally on board. Other people’s corpse displays can be kind of cool, he’d say, but at the end of the day, I still get to live forever. Or Star would be scrolling through pictures of everyone else’s corpse displays on Facebook and show them to Charlie and he’d say “Yeah, cute” or “Awwwww,” but leave it at that. Once in a while he’d get annoyed that all he’d see on social media were cats and corpse displays, but he never explicitly said, “This isn’t something I want.” It’s no surprise that Star felt like Charlie was keeping his true feelings from her.
Star had truly felt like she knew Charlie better than he knew himself. She assumed he’d love the attention and that he knew he was going to die one day. But Charlie obviously has other plans and Star just can’t waste her time on someone who doesn’t want a corpse display.
I’m sad for Star because dating is so hard these days and it feels impossible to find a man who genuinely wants to get married and have his corpse displayed. People are just so disconnected from reality and adult priorities. But Star will be fine. All the Pinterest boards she made for the wedding and corpse display will come in handy when her real love comes along.