After orchestrating a coup d’état in the strategically vital Middle Eastern country of Yemen last week that nonetheless failed to displace Deflategate from American news headlines, New England Patriots head coach and noted sorcerer Bill Belichick has upped the ante.
According to sources, Belichick is behind the massive snowstorm currently barreling toward the northeastern United States, including New York City, which is both the media capital of the world and home of NFL headquarters. The sources spoke on condition of anonymity because they fear for their safety due to the “occult powers of the Dark Overlord.”
Belichick and the Patriots have been the focus of a media and league firestorm after footballs the team used in the first half of the AFC Championship game were found to be insufficiently inflated, according to NFL rules. The Patriots won the game against the Indianapolis Colts 45-7, but the NFL is investigating whether the Patriots cheated.
Reached by phone, Belichick spoke cryptically, neither confirming nor denying the accusation.
“We followed the rules of the game,” he said. “Nothing in the league’s rule book prevents the conjuring up of a massive weather system that will paralyze entire cities and inconvenience or seriously endanger the lives of tens of millions of people the week before a Super Bowl. Nothing at all.”
According to a leaked playbook, the Patriots have dubbed the storm “The Blitzard.”
“I tell you what,” said NBC analyst Cris Collinsworth, who will call Sunday’s Super Bowl and was shown the playbook. “This storm looks whiter than the Patriots offense, and it’s the most formidable zone blitz scheme I’ve seen in a long time. There’s going to be all kinds of pressure coming from every which way right into the face of the northeastern U.S., and if this storm can collapse the pocket, the region is just going to have nowhere to go. It’s going to get buried.”
Belichick’s latest display of black magic sorcery has raised concerns among the Seattle Seahawks, whom the Patriots will play in the Super Bowl. “It just goes to show you that you always need to be on your toes when you go up against him,” said Seahawks coach Pete Carroll. “When it comes to most opponents you worry about things like how you’re to going cover guys, but with Bill, you need to be ready for anything, up to and including locust infestations and sudden outbreaks of the bubonic plague. He’s such a dynamic game planner.”
According to the Associated Press, “The Super Bowl-bound New England Patriots expected to be out of town by the time the storm arrived in Boston. The team planned to leave Logan Airport at 12:30 p.m. Monday for Phoenix, where the temperature will reach the high 60s.”
Image credit: Pro Football Mock