Welcome to another episode of “Profiles in Butthurt,” this time our special State of the Union 2015 edition. We’ll skip right over Chris Matthews making sad puppy dog eyes and puffing out his thin little bird lips as best he can to lament how Barack Obama is a meanie to cable news and get right to the people whose self-righteous indignation and claims of injury are really misplaced and laughable.
As you almost certainly know by now, toward the end of Obama’s address to Congress and the nation on Tuesday evening, he explained the freedom he has in pursuing his agenda as he starts to round third in his presidency by saying, “I’ve run my last campaign.” Some Republicans, being the distinguished professionals they are, of course began clapping at this. And that was all it took for Obama to drop an ad-libbed bomb on them, the shockwaves of which might just resonate throughout history.
Elon James White summed it up best:
— Elon James White (@elonjames) January 21, 2015
Now regardless of your political affiliation, if you’re a sane person you have to appreciate that a number of Republicans in attendance clapped at the idea of Obama going away for good — no doubt hoping they’d nab interviews with Fox News afterward, where they’d be hailed as Joe Wilson-esque folk heroes rather than fucking asshole children — and the target of their snotty derision responded by coolly putting them in their place. Hell, at least Obama’s jab was clever.
But this is partisan politics we’re talking about and this is the GOP we’re dealing with, which means that it took no time at all for those very same scolded lawmakers to not only melodramtically lick their wounds to the media but furrow their brows and express disappointment in the president for scolding them. This is, again, despite the fact that several of them applauded like petty little shits when Obama mentioned that his time was just about up.
According to Talking Points Memo, Republican Rep. Tom Cole of Oregon, who’s a close ally of miraculous weeping orange John Boehner, said about the president’s jab, “Probably not helpful when you rub the other guy’s nose in the dirt a little bit.” He continued, “Look, he’s allowed to take a victory lap but he ought to be thinking about what works — what’s gonna help me actually put points on the board.” I really hope the “me” Cole was referring to isn’t him personally, because if so he deserved to have a Monty Python-style 16 ton weight of pure irony come from out of nowhere and descend onto his head at that moment. The relentlessly obstructive GOP — the party that made clear at the very beginning of this country’s journey into the depths of political insanity that it would never cooperate with the president if it meant he would be able to claim even some small measure of victory — is looking not for collaboration but submission as it takes its own victory lap.
Then there was Senate Energy Committee Chair Lisa Murkowski of Alaska, who said that Obama’s defiance didn’t make her feel all “warm and fuzzy” about having to work with him for the next two years. If you can imagine the world’s saddest face crying tears onto the world’s smallest violin, I’d suggest you do so right now.
There are more from Capitol Hill, but you get the general idea. Meanwhile, out in the hinterlands of Conservative Infotainmentland, Glenn Beck is referring to Obama’s comeback as “that part where he just snapped and got all dark and ugly,” as if he was about to pull a switchblade and cut him some white people. Not that you should care what Beck has to say about anything, but there it is.
This is politics, of course, which means that it’s expected for each party to take its side and urinate over the line onto the shoes of the other. But if you’re wondering exactly what kind of sociopathy would allow a person whose side has unilaterally tried to grind progress to a halt and blow every little thing up into an Impeachment Level Event to suddenly complain that he or she is being unfairly maligned — well, you should be wondering that. The answer is, unfortunately, whatever sociopathy has been allowed to infect the Republican party over the last six years. Tea Party sociopathy maybe.
Regardless, unless you’re somebody who’d be willing to blame someone for having the nerve to bleed all over your carpet after you’ve shot them, you should be laughing your ass off at these people.
Yeah, he dropped the mic right on top of them, but dear God did they have it coming.
(This column has been updated to include Glenn Beck’s comments.)
Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.