Russell Wilson threw four interceptions in Sunday’s NFC Championship en route to a wild and improbable 28-22 overtime victory over the Green Bay to send the Seattle Seahawks to Super Bowl XLIX. After the game the teary-eyed quarterback declared on the field, “God is too good all the time, man,” in the latest installment of the ongoing series, God: Celestial Sports Fixer. In the locker room, Peter King of Sports Illustrated asked Wilson what it was like going from having the worst game of his career to the most exhilarating in about eight minutes.
“That’s God setting it up, to make it so dramatic, so rewarding, so special,” Wilson told King.
This could be read a couple of ways. There’s the Deadspin way, which means you read it as Wilson blaming his four picks on god. There’s the Barstool Sports way, which means asking, “You think the omnipresent being you believe in who drives clouds and farts lightning was so bored that he spent his Sunday making you throw interceptions for drama’s sake?” Or there’s my way, which means that Wilson is saying god is an evil Packers-hating bastard who deserves a good kick in the groin. Maybe worse.
There’s no way around this: That comeback was one of the all-time most brutal reversals of fortune that any fan base has had to endure in the history of the National Football League. It’s up there with the Music City Miracle and the Comeback.
The sheer number of “What ifs” make it all the more painful. What if Packers coach Mike McCarthy decided to go for at least one of the two times the Packers had fourth and goal from the 1 nanometer line? What if Morgan Burnett ignored Julius Peppers’ motion to down the ball after intercepting Wilson with five minutes left? What if Brandon Bostick had decided to block like he was supposed to instead of trying to haul in that onside kick? What if Ha Ha Clinton-Dix had tried to make a play on that dying pheasant Wilson threw on the two-point conversion attempt to keep it a one point game so Mason Crosby’s subsequent field goal sends the Packers to Glendale instead of overtime?
What if Russell Wilson is right and god made all of that happen? I’ll tell you what if.
God is a fucking asshole.
God is a fucking asshole because people in Green Bay have three things and only three things in life: cheese, the Packers, and winter temperatures of negative 459.67 degrees Fahrenheit. Do you know what happens at minus 459.67? Atoms stop moving and shit. The entire city of Green Bay is frozen in time until it finally thaws out around May. So what Wilson is saying is that god decided to torment these poor bastards even more by marching their beloved team into Seattle where virtually no road teams win, have the Packers jump out to a 16 point lead and then a 12 point lead with a few minutes left, before inducing a series of Packer gaffes so horrendous, Vince Lombardi is spinning in his grave up toward the surface so he can ask Mike McCarthy a very important question:
Lombardi once said, “There are three things that are important to every man in this locker room. His God, his family, and the Green Bay Packers. In that order.”
But if it’s Russell Wilson’s god, he’s a fucking asshole.