An anti-abortion group called Heroic Media has released a video in which a handful of Christian men apologize for abortions received by the women they impregnated. In the video, the men say they should have “manned up” to defend the rights of their lost fetuses and, apparently, disregarded the women having the actual abortion completely.
One of those fetuses has responded below.
Hey, what’s up? Not much here. Heaven is cool. The weather is always really nice, except on days I feel a little lazy and just want to stay inside and play “King’s Quest.” Then it rains, so I don’t feel guilty. But I’m not writing about the weather.
I saw the video you made. You looked really sad, but I’m a little confused about why. For one thing, you started off this thing by saying that you had an abortion. Look, I know we never had the sex talk and I got my VIP ticket to the Jesus party pretty early on, but going by what I do remember, I came out of a lady. We do have books and the internet up here, and I know the difference between dude and lady parts. And while I wasn’t there very long, I remember more of a warm, cozy cave than a slightly chillier dangling ball sack. I just feel like I would have remembered being knocked around a bit, you know? Anyway, I’m pretty sure I was in that gal you dated when I was aborted.
But what about that gal, Dad? Here’s where I’m also confused: you seem to act like having an abortion was her decision but your fault for letting it happen, like she didn’t know what she was doing, or she was doing something you had a right to stop. And you seem really sad about not having “fought harder” for me, but what were you going to do? Stick your hand up Mom like a hand puppet and hold me in? That seems pretty rude if you ask me. But I’m burying the lede: You completely took Mom out of this whole equation, even though she was the one carrying me and, if we’re being honest, maybe putting her health and career at risk.
Don’t you remember Mom? She was kind of a mess. So were you back then. Don’t deny it. Like you said yourself, I met Jesus before you did. Way before. Around the time I got to Heaven, you and Mom were snorting lines off the scuzziest pool tables in town, putting your mouths on anything with a hole that moved, stealing charity jars from convenience stores to pay down your drug debts. You thought those people should have kids? I would have been dead within a year, I promise you. From something stupid, like drowning in the rain. And you know what sucks? Years later, you would still try to use religion to sugarcoat all the irresponsible shit you did. Like a big, Jesusy band-aid stretched over a gaping wound of bad decisions, festering with sinful, unkillable pus.
That said, a lot of the other aborted fetuses up here had moms and dads who didn’t have such wild lifestyles, but they just knew they couldn’t have kids. It wasn’t easy for them to make that decision, but they knew that if there was a way to avoid a whole lot of heartache, they were making the right decision by saying, “Not now.”
Anyway, stop pretending to feel so bad about letting me go. I had it easy. We all did here in the VIP section of Heaven. Oh yeah, all the aborted fetuses are part of a club up here, the souls who never had to deal with Earth. We’ve all seen what you have to deal with, and this is where my third point of confusion lies: How can you say in one breath that you’re so psyched that I got to hang out in the Kingdom of Heaven before you did but still wish you could have hung out with me on Earth? Which is it, you selfish bastard? First of all, Earth sucks. It sucks, and you super-religious types have no idea what’s going on up here. No. Idea. You barely know what’s going on down there either, what with your crazy little bubbles that you refuse to leave.
You should immediately apologize to my mother for this bullshit. You somehow made this thing all about you when you were just a co-star in this little play. And guess what, Bucko? When you finally get here, Jesus is still going to know everything you did. And he’s not going to care. But he is going to care that you think you should have Liam Neeson’ed Mom’s bits just to make yourself feel better. For that, you don’t get to eat bacon in Heaven. And Jesus makes the best BLTs, you have no idea.
Seriously, thank that abortion doctor for me.