I have a simple relationship with country music: If it’s not Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Bob Dylan or Willie Nelson it can go die in a fire. Bro-country, on the other hand, is even worse. Not only does every song in the genre suck, every single one sounds exactly the same: 30-something alcoholics crooning about the kind of reckless freedom you only ever get from chugging Jim Beam until you pass out behind the wheel of your pickup truck on Friday nights and drinking shots off girls in jean shorts. They are the same shitty song with just enough minor elements switched around to prevent the same target demo that made the creators of “Truck Nutz” a millionaire from catching on before they cash in, too.
It’s good to have my suspicions confirmed courtesy of Saving Country Music, which has proof that bro-country does indeed suck Nutz. YouTube producer Sir Mashalot took some of bro-country’s biggest, shittiest hits over the past few years and combined them into one remix straight out of low-rent redneck Hell. The following video mashes up six terrible songs: ”Sure Be Cool If You Did” by Blake Shelton, “Drunk on You” by Luke Bryan, “Chillin’ It” from Cole Swindell, “Close Your Eyes”by Parmalee, “This is How We Roll” from Florida Georgia Line, and “Ready, Set, Roll” by Chase Rice. Four of them were #1 country hits, while others were ranked 5 and 11. They are all interchangeable.
I think the mashup is much better than any of its terrible component songs, especially if you imagine that Blake, Luke, Cole, Chase and every member of Parmalee and Florida Georgia Line are all trying to bang the same chick using the same lines at the same time. Probably at a kegger in a South Carolina farmhouse. I feel cold and frightened just thinking about it.
Please keep this video out of the hands of bro-country fans, who will ultimately appreciate it non-ironically and pressure the artists involved into forming a supergroup that will usher in the end of all things. Instead, burn them all before they replicate again.