Christmas-Themed Haunted House Is Too Much For the Delicate Sensibilities of Long Island Cable

Disclaimer: I know the people involved with this story, but I’d still be writing about it if I didn’t. Because I am a fan of the First Amendment as it applies to allowing fucked up things to be seen by people who don’t want to look at them, those hypersensitive babies.

The holidays mean a lot of things to a lot of people, and for some people, the sugar-coated sentimentality is a little too much to bear. Long Island’s Chamber of Horrors, well-known for their Halloween attractions, has conjured up the wickedest holiday concoction since The Nightmare Before Christmas in the form of a Christmas-themed haunted house, “A Very Scary Xmas”. A commercial was shot by Paradise Advertising Co. that featured a demonic Santa Claus threatening two tear-soaked children with a chainsaw. It was set to air on local cable during late-night hours only, but it apparently gave someone the vapors and was banned for being “a lot scarier than their commercial for their Halloween show and much more disturbing.” Because Santa. 🙁

I really hate it when people ban things just because they don’t like them. End of story. This commercial wasn’t going to air during Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Adventure Time. Chamber of Horrors won’t even admit anyone under the age of twelve. So, it can’t air a commercial in the middle of the night? That’s just being spiteful, and that is no way to spread the Christmas spirit.

It’s a good thing localnewsstations as well as internetnewsoutlets are covering the collective outrage and circulating the commercial better than cable would have. And I’m glad I got the go-ahead to post it here because that means that a thing that obnoxious puritans tried to stop is being unleashed on the world like an aerosol cannon filled with weaponized chlamydia. The tiny Cherokee Indian portion of my DNA is glowing so much that it can be seen from space.

You failed! I win! Happy War on Christmas!