This Thanksgiving, uncles across America will gather around dinner tables to deliver their annual booze-fueled tirades against Barack Hussein Obama — crusher of capitalism, liquidator of liberty, and annihilator of America. These speeches will be long, impassioned, and semi-coherent, ending only when the tryptophan overwhelms their metabolisms and induces napping during the third quarter of the Eagles-Cowboys game.
Conventional wisdom says there are two ways to handle such a diatribe: Face it head on with a full-throated rebuttal featuring periodic fork-waving for emphasis; or, say nothing and let it happen until it’s run its course. But truth be told, a few Thanksgivings ago, I stumbled upon a third way to deal with this type of conservative intransigence: out-conservative your uncle.
It happened — as many of my great ideas do — after I drank a fifth of scotch and had had it up to here with my uncle bloviating about the awfulness of Obama and the greatness of Scott Brown (R-Mass., R-N.H., R-Maine, R-Ontario). Suddenly, I had an epiphany and quickly found myself going full Goldwater at the dinner table, staking out extreme conservative positions on host of issues. I railed against unions (of which he had been a member). I railed against Medicare as a “handout for geriatric welfare bums,” (which he was receiving). I railed against Obama and blamed him for everything that ails America, the world, and the universe. I had taken the wind entirely out of my uncle’s sails because there was literally nothing left for which to blame the president.
So for this Thanksgiving, with the help of some prominent conservatives, I’ve compiled a helpful list of things you can blame Obama for in order out-uncle your uncle:
Ebola has been confirmed in N.Y.C., with officials frantically trying to find all of the people and things he had contact with.Obama's fault
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 24, 2014
Beheadings in Syria
“You know, the president has stuck his head in the sand. We now have evidence that he’s known about the threat that was mounting, coming, the ability of ISIS to take large areas, be well-funded, be well-armed, and have this jihadist agenda of killing, murdering, raping, crucifying, beheading anybody who gets in their way. Americans, Christians, religious minorities, even other Muslims. And the president stuck his head in the sand, and now we’ve seen two Americans have lost their heads. And this is not where it’s going to be over, Gretchen. That’s what’s so upsetting.” (The Daily Banter)
Republicans talking about impeaching Obama
Some “scam” indeed.
The government shutdown
Bob Schieffer: Senator, if you didn’t threaten the shut down the government, who was it that did?Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas): It was Harry Reid and President Obama… The reason we had a shutdown—Look, the Democrats were very candid. I know they told you, they said, “We think the shutdown benefits us politically.” Right now the Democrats are telling you that they want another shutdown, because they think it benefits them politically. Why is it hard to understand that they forced the shutdown, when they think it benefits them politically?” (Face the Nation)
“That’s a real failure of this presidency, in my view,” said [Gov. Chris] Christie [R-N.J.], the group’s chairman. “And I think the unrest you see in the Middle East is caused in some measure – not completely, but in some measure – by the fact that this president has not acted in a decisive, consistent way.”
“Tomorrow President Obama will speak in Miami about gas prices, but he is likely to have no solutions.” (The Daily Banter)
“According to a Public Policy Polling survey, 29 percent of Louisiana Republicans say President Obama is more to blame for the botched executive branch response to Hurricane Katrina while just 28 percent blamed George W. Bush. A plurality of 44 percent said they were unsure who was more responsible, even though Hurricane Katrina occurred over three years before Obama entered the presidency when he was still a freshman Senator.” (Talking Points Memo)
If you find that these don’t really suffice, it may be time up the ante by blaming Obama for 9/11, the death of Jesus, the Sun’s extermination of life on planet Earth in about 2.8 billion years, and Ben Affleck as Batman. Just remember that no calamity is too remote to blame on President Obama.