Eventually hack auteur Michael Bay is going to make the movie he’s always wanted to — and that movie will be nothing but two-and-a-half hours of a 12-inch penis with biceps being jacked-off by an American flag until it comes a jet of burning napalm onto the ass of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model who’s bent over the hood of a Lamborghini and drinking a Pepsi. Until such time as Hollywood completely gives up, however, we’re going to have to continue putting up only with slightly subtler versions this concept from Bay. As it stands right now, when Bay directs dumb movies in the service of blowing things sky-high, he’s at least tolerable because you can write his style up to chewing on candy with a gooey testosterone gel-filled center. But it’s when Bay starts to believe he’s more than what he is that things get both dangerous and ridiculous.
Case in point: According to today’s Hollywood Reporter, Michael Bay may be in talks to direct a movie about Benghazi. Take a moment to process that because it’s both the most absurdist premise ever conceived — one that would itself have the makings of a terrific piece of political satire — and the least surprising, most perfectly straightforward commentary on everything this country stands for right now. Michael Bay may be directing a movie about Benghazi. It just rolls off the metaphysical tongue inside your brain, before flushing itself down through your throat and motivating your small intestine to try to strangle you for your own good.
If it happens, Bayghazi will be based on the book 13 Hours, a bestseller by Mitchell Zuckoff, who’s a journalism professor at Boston University. The book tells the story of the 2012 attack on the U.S. State Department Special Mission Compound and the nearby CIA Annex in Benghazi, Libya through the eyes of the security contractors who fought off the hordes. Four people were killed in the attack, which you no doubt know by now given that the conservative entertainment complex would never in a million years let you forget it. The book is supposedly a largely apolitical work, although it does claim that a CIA official on the ground in Libya held up potential reinforcements that might have saved lives. Look for Bay to reimagine that rescue team as Josh Duhamel and a couple of Autobots.
This probably doesn’t even need to be said but Michael Bay isn’t Ridley Scott. From everything we’ve seen of his career so far he simply isn’t capable of making a movie like Black Hawk Down — or even Peter Berg’s Lone Survivor — which honors the valor of those who continue fighting in the face overwhelming odds while refusing to make a statement for or against that fight. Bay’s a wanna-be macho shithead who never met a shot of the American flag he couldn’t fetishistically linger on, so his personal brand of no-pussies-allowed patriotism is almost sure to infect every inch of this project. And it’s going to happen. Michael Bay will direct this movie about Benghazi. God hates us just that much.
Until the final greenlight is given, though, look for the mere mention of this story to reawaken the babies over at Fox News who we just now managed to put into a somewhat Benghazi-free sleep.
Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.