GREAT NEWS: Ebola has finally arrived in New York City!
For those of us who live here, that means one thing — Ebola parties. New Yorkers love throwing parties when disaster strikes as a way to both give danger the finger and distract ourselves from the ensuing chaos and paranoia. And no one can throw a party better than a Brooklyn hipster. If you’re one of those people who were afraid of Ebola before it was cool, then get ready — here are five steps to throwing the best hipster Ebola party ever.
Don’t spend any money on this. Just dumpster dive in an alley by a laboratory to find some yellow “caution” tape and huge sheets of plastic to cover everything in your apartment. Actually, you might be able to get authentic Ebola hazmat scene caution tape, masks, and gloves just about anywhere since the NYPD is apparently just throwing them into street corner trash cans. You won’t need a lot of this stuff because your apartment is probably tiny. Sorry, cozy. It’s cozy. But “cozy” means that there will be a lot of people packed into one small area. Even if you can’t really catch Ebola, you will definitely be catching a cold, the flu, or the clap.
If you’re even brave enough to serve food at something you’re going to brand as an “Ebola Party,” I suggest going for broke and serving chili or soup and just laughing about how it looks like bodily fluids on the way in and out. If that’s too graphic for you to handle, then you’re clearly too uptight to throw an Ebola party. Sorry. One cannot throw an Ebola party and only serve PBR. It wouldn’t be right.
Oh my god, there are so many reasons to offer bocce ball at your Ebola party. For one thing, the doctor who tested positive went bowling in Williamsburg — the hipster capital of the universe. If that isn’t his way of giving everyone’s Ebola party his blessing, I don’t know what is. Unfortunately, that bowling alley is probably closed now because of Ebola. So open up your own Ebowling alley on a smaller scale with Ebocce balls. Bocce Ebolls? You’re creative. You figure out what to call it. Just make sure it happens.
Everyone is over normcore. It’s time for quarcore — quarantine core. Pants tucked into boots. Long sleeves tucked into plastic gloves (which cannot be fingerless because of Ebola). High neckcollars or turtlenecks with decorative scarves for good measure. A jaunty shower cap. Sunglasses and/or goggles indoors, which some Brooklynites are already accustomed to. All topped off with a locally-made protective suit. You can probably find that in a dumpster too, while you’re looking for decor. And your designer friend Julie who works at the artisan macaron shop on Fifth Avenue can probably show you how to cinch and alter those suits to make them look more flattering and retro-style. Just do her a favor and tell everyone that she was the one who helped you and follow her on Instagram.
But where you really get to have fun is facemasks. Etsy is sure to begin offering many twee designs now that facemasks are definitely going to become a hot fashion accessory, so this will be a great opportunity to support independent artists-slash-“digital marketing mavens” while protecting your delicate mucous membranes from communicable disease.
5) Party favors
Just make sure that whatever you give your guests to take with them as they use public transportation to traverse and explore the city is not Ebola. And maybe a rectal thermometer.
And that’s how to throw an Ebola party! I’ll be anxiously awaiting your Evite!