Whatever the last party you went to was like, there’s a pretty good chance it didn’t end with you drunkenly throwing punches, being knocked down and called a cunt, getting your $300 sunglasses and “fuckin’ shoes” stolen and ultimately climbing into a Hummer limo with a former candidate for Vice President of the United States before finally having to collect yourself and recount the whole sordid mess to police. The last party you went to wasn’t like this because you are not Bristol Palin. You are not the oldest daughter within the highest-profile — and most culturally inexterminable — hillbilly tribe in these here United States.
You were aware of the wild alcohol-fueled brawl the entire Palin clan got into back in September in Anchorage. You might even have read the official police report which provided details of the fight and represented manna from heaven for snarky little assholes like the one typing the words you’re reading right now. What you haven’t experienced, however, is the audio the police recorded as they rolled up on the aftermath of the War of the Five Clowns — until now. Today police made public both their full audio recordings and photos of the incident.
Talking Points Memo posted everything if you feel like sifting through it, but in the interest of brevity let’s focus exclusively on the very best part of the audio: that would be Bristol Palin losing her shit while describing to police what apparently happened. Her story includes a lot of profanity and the aforementioned conspicuous consumption. It’s also hellaciously entertaining in a total mindfuck sort of way, if only for the fact that as you listen you have to keep telling yourself over and over that this isn’t Lindsay Lohan or one of the Kardashians telling this story — this is a woman who was once poised to live a heartbeat away from the White House. Tell yourself this and laugh. Then stop laughing and weep openly.
RELATED: Sarah Palin tried to bully The Daily Banter because we make fun of her. You can see how that turned out here. And if you enjoy knowing that Sarah Palin can’t even remember where the goddamn White House is located, go here.
Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.