It was the great philosopher Wooderson who once said that what he loved about high school girls was that as he got older they stayed the same age. Given the fondness with which this statement-of-purpose is regarded by an entire generation of American men, it should give you some idea that guys are, at their core, simple, stupid creatures. We’re basically dogs taught to speak, walk upright and not shit on the floor.
When it comes to sex especially there’s not much going on between our ears that wasn’t put there by thousands of years of evolution. And yet every once in a while some literal genius comes along and spends a lot of time and money on a study meant to decode us like there’s an elegant fibonacci spiral at our core rather than a rusty hamster wheel and an open bag of three-week-old Funyuns.
The latest in these largely worthless forays into the mind and penis of the human male — two organs which are pretty much interchangeable — is a study conducted by the Academy of Finland, a governmental body that funds research in the public interest. Scientists there “discovered” that heterosexual men, no matter their age, are hardwired to want to have sex with the same type of woman — that would be women in their mid-20s. Basically, if you’re a 17-year-old guy, you want to do it with an older woman (a woman in her mid-20s) and if you’re a 47-year-old guy, you want to do it with a younger woman (a woman in her mid-20s). But then, you probably already knew this.
Researchers say the mid-20s represent the sweet spot for men because something something biology and a desire to find the most fertile female in which to insert their seed. While this still doesn’t explain the popularity of bukkake porn, it makes as much sense as anything else, I guess.
As for women, and again to the surprise of absolutely no one, the study finds that they tend to prefer men who are their own age or slightly older because evolutionarily they’re programmed to seek out those with more “resources” who act as providers. What this means is that women have the upper hand when it comes to mating because men have sex based on the woman’s necessities rather than their own ideals.
This study was published in the Journal of Shit You Don’t Need a Degree To Know.
Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.