Hear ye, hear ye! Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is now officially the Pizza Stoner King, claiming his royal title in an interview with the Peter King of Sports Illustrated. Manning claimed he was rolling in the green from his extensive pizza investments in Colorado, which cater to people rolling another kind of green.
In fall 2012, Manning purchased 21 Papa John’s restaurants across the state just a few weeks before Coloradans voted to legalize recreational marijuana. That savvy investment is now paying off. Manning told King:
I’ve gotten to know some of the folks here in Colorado. There’s some different laws out here in Colorado. Pizza business is pretty good out here, believe it or not, due to some recent law changes. So when you come to a different place, you’ve kind of got to learn everything that comes with it.
At the time, Manning said the acquisitions were “a smart investment now and will be long after I’m done playing football.” And all this year, Manning has been relentlessly hawking Papa John’s to the state’s most weed-addled residents, including via trippy ads where he time-travels and gives away two million pizzas. As marijuana legalization inevitably spreads across the country, Manning’s tiny pizza barony will expand into a glorious, weed-fueled pizza empire that will last a thousand years.
While Manning probably should have invested in a pizza brand that wasn’t so shitty its slogan, “Better ingredients. Better pizza” is widely considered an outright lie, the magical thing about weed is that it would make cardboard covered in unmelted Velveeta taste good. And a combination of terrible taste and constant marijuana ingestion might explain how Manning stumbled into some less successful revenue streams, like this cringe-inducing fantasy football rap video: