We can safely call it “The Summit of Stupid.” To celebrate the Labor Day weekend, the Duck Dynasty cast traveled to Alaska for a very special cook-out with Sarah Palin and her family. Naturally, when such a gathering of unrivaled brain-power occurs, it only makes sense to capture the event on video for posterity. That’s precisely what Palin did, providing us all with an exclusive chitchat between two reality show B-listers, Robertson and Palin, via the SarahPAC political action committee and Palin’s Facebook page.
And so, as always, we watched the video so you don’t have to.
1) WARNING: Really Annoying Song Ahead. Let it be known that I’m sacrificing my own mental health for the sake of exposing this ridiculousness. There’s a song that plays intermittently throughout the video that rivals “It’s a Small World After All” for its ability to worm its way into your brain like that space slug in Wrath of Khan, and there’s no way to make it stop. The song is Johnny Horton’s “North to Alaska” and I’m warning you: click play at your own peril. In fact, I have a theory that it’s what ultimately infected Palin’s brain a long time ago, liquefying her gray matter and replacing it with this song on endless repeat. When you see Palin noticeably zoning out, it might be that damn song.
2) Barbecue Camouflage. The Robertsons are nothing if not loyal to the hillbilly branding they’ve cultivated throughout the run of their reality show. Even while attending a barbecue at the Palin’s McMansion, thousands of miles from their duck hunting grounds, they still played dress-em-up in the camouflage slacks and accessories as if they might have to leap into action and hide from a duck at any moment. The truth is, the beards and the shit-kicking-chic are an important part of the Robertson brand. They have to wear that crap, like Dan “Larry the Cable Guy” Whitney has to wear the trucker snap-back and cut-off flannel and Guy Fieri has no choice but to walk around beet-red with that ludicrous hair and the doucheglasses on the back of his giant melon literally for the rest of his life, whether taping a show or not. They’re always in costume. You know, because this is reality television.
3) Somebody’s Saying Something Through Phil Robertson. As you might expect, the video is mostly Christian fundamentalist proselytizing. After Robertson begins with a predictably mumbly rant about how America needs to return to God and blah, blah, blah, Palin jumps in and adds, “It’s not just him saying it, it’s somebody saying it through him. God says, ‘If my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray, I will come in.'” First of all, if there’s a God and he/she is talking through Phil Robertson, we’re all totally screwed. And nothing says “humbling yourself” like, 1) believing God is speaking through you personally, and 2) starring in your own cable television reality show in which half of the title is the word “dynasty.” The only somebody speaking through Phil Robertson is Ben Franklin — a nonstop conga-line of tiny green Ben Franklins, each accruing compound interest. Actually, there’s something else going through Phil Robertson and it smells like Ensure.
4) The Really, Really Awkward Edit. Palin launches into the boilerplate fundamentalist notion that all natural resources including “the animals we eat” are placed here by God for “the betterment of man.” This of course is the chief excuse for utterly raping the environment, but instead of giving us his take on Palin’s “sustainability” bit, Robertson jumps into a speech about political correctness.
ROBERTSON: My sociology professor, uh, he alerted all of us that there were three, according to them — the experts — the people who had studied it, there were three races– [AWKWARDLY OBVIOUS EDIT] –there was one race of people on this Earth, it’s called the human race.
ROBERTSON: We’re all made in the image of God.
Watch. Timecode :12.
Irony: during a monologue about the evils of political correctness, the SarahPAC video team deliberately edited out what was very likely three offensive terms for the “three races” — in effect an edit for the sake of political correctness. Take a guess at how Robertson described the three races. I’d put money on the words “nigra” and “mongoloid” in there. It had to have been something that worried the Palin entourage enough to have cut it out, and in a very obvious and awkward way. Several seconds later, Robertson says “Indian-Americans” and “Oriental-Americans,” so it had to have been worse than those. By the way, I’ve never heard anyone say “Oriental-Americans” until Robertson mentioned it in the video.
5) She Finally Admitted It. Robertson tells Palin that if we put our faith in Jesus, God will “get you off the planet Earth alive.” Where in the Bible does God say we’re getting off the Earth while still alive? What the hell is that? He continues by mentioning the golden rule, which isn’t all that bad, I suppose. But then Palin responds by saying:
And for simple-minded people like me, that’s what I crave. That’s what I want to know, that’s what I’m supposed to know. That’s the majority of people. It’s simple.
She’s right. She’s totally simple-minded, and so are too many other Americans who, like Palin and Robertson, absolutely revel in their own ignorance and stupidity. It’s become a badge of honor to be uneducated and irrational. And it’s hurting America. Because, no, it’s not okay. It’s not something to be proud of. It’s disgraceful. Yet there’s a demographic that’s proudly injecting gibberish into the discourse, and this gibberish is controlling one of our two major political parties. Terrifying.
6) Christian Nation. I almost didn’t cover the final 25 percent of the video because it’s mostly centered around Palin and Robertson discussing their misguided views of the Founding Fathers with regards to religion and America as a Judeo-Christian nation. This is really, really old and widely-debunked territory, so to rehash all of the quotes from Adams, Jefferson, Washington and Madison about a “wall of separation” and how America is not and should never be a Christian nation seems almost redundant. Sure, just like politicians today, the founders each adopted religious-sounding language in their oratory, but this was purely cosmetic. In reality, many of the founders were thoroughly cognizant of the dangers of a state-endorsed organized religion and, indeed, sought to break away from a government partly because of it. Needless to say, it’s not difficult to find the Treaty of Tripoli and the other quotes in which the founders absolutely reject the idea of America as being founded upon Christianity.
So there it is. Palin, Robertson and their latest contribution to the dumbing-down of America. Speaking of contributions, SarahPAC has raised and spent over $2.2 million during the 2014 midterm election cycle alone. If you want to know why Palin is still relevant, that’s exactly why. Meanwhile, this video has been shared 38,000 times on Facebook and Liked 53,000 times.
Way up… to Alaska… way up… [stabs self in eye with scissors]