It’s been a big week for reminders that Duck Dynasty is still a thing that’s out there, sucking up the nation’s dwindling IQ points one at a time.
First there was Robertson family patriarch Phil’s hallucinatory appearance on Hannity in which he dispensed some of his special brand of authentic frontier gibberish about how best to deal with ISIS. His invaluable analysis of the complex and volatile situation included a recommendation that we either convert the ISIS militants to Christianity or kill them (a grasp of irony not being one of Phil’s strong suits). He followed that up by returning to the subject that brought him to the attention of everyone not living in the southern part of the United States: gay people. Good Morning America asked him if he considered himself a homophobe. His response: “I’m as much of a homophobe as Jesus was. People who are participating in homosexual behavior, they need to know that I love them.”
Hear that, people who are participating in homosexual behavior? Phil Robertson loves you. What you need to know is that that beard’s definitely gonna tickle your balls.
Not one to be left out of some good, old-fashioned witnessing, along comes Willie Robertson now with an important message for Christians on how to combat the scourge of atheism. It involves converting them as well, only Willie’s plan is to do it by Ludovico Treatment-ing them with Nicolas Cage. It’s just been revealed that Wille is one of the executive producers of the big-budget Left Behind reboot — the original starred Kirk Cameron in the Nic Cage role — and has shot a promotional video urging all fans of the ridiculous book series to not only see the movie but to bring along their nonbeliever friends, if there are any who haven’t completely shut them out already because they’re fucking tired of the constant bombardment of “12 Pictures That Prove Jesus Is Lord!” chain e-mails.
“Like most Christians, my family and I can truly say that we’re excited about the soon return of Jesus. And I’m sure, if you’ve been watching the news lately, you know that that return could be any day from now. But what about those who may not even know about it? People who don’t even know what’s at stake? (This movie is) a warning to those, if it happened today, they’d be left behind. And I believe people are going to make that life-changing decision to follow Christ on the way home from the theater on Oct. 3.”
Willie could be right about the incredible impact Left Behind will have on audiences. After seeing Guardians of the Galaxy I immediately came home and captured the raccoon that’s been wandering my apartment complex for the past couple of months and have since waited patiently for it to start making wisecracks and riding around on my shoulder, but so far all it’s done is tear apart my trash can and give me rabies. And let’s face it, it’s tough to imagine walking out of any Nicolas Cage movie, especially one like Left Behind, and not coming to the unavoidable conclusion that there’s a vengeful god in the heavens and that he’s not above making us all suffer.
On the plus side, if we combined the ideas of both Robertsons and sent copies of Left Behind over to ISIS, they’d surrender in a heartbeat.
They’d know instantly that they’re no match for an enemy this terrifying:
Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.