Hamlin, New York pizza delivery man and Einstein-level budding genius Mason A. Requa came up with a deviously clever scheme to avoid getting yelled at for delivering a pizza late on Wednesday evening. While all of us have at one point or another lied to avoid being punished for doing something wrong, I’m not sure any of us can compare our petty mistruths to Requa, who picked up the phone, dialed 911, and falsely reported that he had been the witness to a murder.
According to the Democrat & Chronicle, Requa gave such a detailed account of the nonexistent murder that police thought it was credible for “some time.” Requa’s story included a vehicle, the victim’s clothing, details about the perpetrators and the weapons used. He didn’t lowball it, either: Requa reported that he had seen three Hispanic men cut off a 7-year-old girl’s head with a machete. Masterstroke.
After deputies, border patrol agents and state troopers arrived and combed the area, it took Requa just four hours to admit he had made the whole thing totally up to avoid having to go in for a pizza-delivery shift. (Imagine the simultaneous look on 20 cops’ faces.) So instead of getting yelled at by some sweaty Italian stereotype for five minutes, Requa now faces misdemeanor charges and is being held in jail on a $2,500 bond.
And yes, he’s probably fired. Stoned pizza delivery guys everywhere, this is your Sistine Chapel. Please appreciate this masterpiece while you can.