As I explained earlier, I hardly ever actually watch Fox News, by which I mean turning the channel on my TV to the dreaded 820. Most of my Fox News commentaries are based on clips I have dug up myself through research, seen somewhere else, or been sitting in the actual space where they were shot. Every once in a long while, though, I will flip over there to see what’s going on. It’s like taking the lid off of a chunky gallon of milk; you know you’re not going to like what you smell, but sometimes, you do it anyway.
So it was that today, I tuned in to Fox News twice, for a total of about two minutes, and here’s what I learned (aside from the obvious fact that black people are a terrifying threat to white people): Fox News actually has these things called “Fox Facts” (I didn’t make that name up) that they flash on screen during “hard news” segments, and they are adorable. Today’s edition of “Fox Facts” featured a helpful timeline of everything that President Obama has done since the shooting of Mike Brown by Ferguson Police last Saturday, entitled “President Obama & Ferguson.”
AUG 13: OBAMA PARTIED IN MARTHA’S VINEYARD AMID FERGUSON, MO VIOLENCE
AUG 17: PRESIDENT OBAMA RETURNED TO WH TO DISCUSS IRAQ & FERGUSON VIOLENCE
AUG 18: OBAMA DISCUSSED FERGUSON FOR ABOUT 15 MIN DURING A PRESS CONFERENCE
AUG 18: PRESIDENT OBAMA ANNOUNCED HE IS SENDING AG HOLDER TO FERGUSON, MO
OBAMA: VIOLENT PROTESTS UNDERMINE, RATHER THAN ADVANCE JUSTICE
OBAMA: I CAN’T PREJUDGE THESE EVENTS PRIOR TO INVESTIGATIONS
My favorite is that first one, which seems to suggest that the President somehow bent the space/time continuum to merge Ferguson with Martha’s Vineyard. So, this is obviously just a list of “Facts” that show Obama was late to the party because he was on time to some other party. Of course, their list is a little bit incomplete. The President issued a written statement on the shooting on Tuesday, August 12, and delivered a televised statement about the unrest in Ferguson on Thursday, August 14, not to mention behind-the-scenes actions like the discussions with Governor Jay Nixon (D-Mo.) he described in those two press events. Additionally, on the day President Obama “PARTIED IN MARTHA’S VINEYARD,” he also spoke with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu about ceasefire negotiations and signed a federal disaster declaration for Tennessee.
Of course, “Fox Facts” wouldn’t be “Fox Facts” if the “Fox Facts” weren’t, in fact, fucked, but Fox News Radio host and on-air contributor Todd Starnes didn’t get the memo that Obama has been absent on Ferguson, instead insisting that the President “may be orchestrating the Michael Brown tragedy,” and that “his administration is in cahoots with a bona fide race hustler.”
The hilarious part, though, is that aside from Starnes’ deranged spin and allergy to commas, his rundown is actually more thorough and accurate than the “hard news” Fox Facts. He notes that the Justice Department has ordered a federal autopsy, that the President expressed concern about excessive force in dealing with peaceful protesters, that the Justice Department tried to stop the Ferguson Police Chief from sabotaging the investigation, and consulted with activists. This Obama fellow sounds like a real go-getter!
The President’s reaction to Ferguson has even brought out the derangement in some liberals, but thanks to Starnes, at least now we have the answer to the age-old question: How many Fox Facts can a Fox fuck fuck if a Fox fuck fucks Fox Facts? All of them.