In her latest video for SarahPalinChannel.com, the former governor and vice presidential nominee turned podcaster decided to tackle the harrowing crisis in Iraq involving ISIS and the execution of Christian civilians. And as you might suspect, her position is almost entirely incoherent. Whisked into her usual word-omelet of rah-rah bumper-sticker patriotism, Palin explains that she doesn’t want boots on the ground, but that she also definitely wants boots on the ground. And no, that’s not a typo, she completely flip-flops within roughly 60-seconds.
After describing what the rest of us already know about the situation in Iraq, followed by the Cliff Notes version of President Obama’s actions to ameliorate the crisis, Palin says:
Now, as a military mom, I am always loathe to see a deployment of our troops.
For the record, “loathe” is defined as feeling an “intense dislike or disgust for.”
Trust me, I mean some days, okay, some days I wake up thinkin’ maybe I’m the conservative version of Cindy Sheehan. Once in a while I’ve thought that.
That last line should’ve ended at “thought,” as in: “Once in a while I’ve thought.” Also, the “conservative Cindy Sheehan?” That’s saying a lot. She’s loathe to see troop deployments and she relates to the vocally anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan. That’s really, really, really anti-war. But please go on…
Under this commander-in-chief, Barack Obama, I really thought, you know, no, no boots on the ground.
Okay, so this sounds unequivocal. She staunchly opposes “boots on the ground,” going so far as to support any claims by the president along those lines.
But times are different today since this utter chaos has ensued, it’s been on President Obama’s watch.
Oh good. Now that there’s utter chaos, let’s drop a few U.S. battalions into the middle of it. Smart. What could possibly go wrong?
I sincerely don’t want to see us have to go back to Iraq.
Right. Because utter chaos.
Here we go.
It’s imperative that we put a stop once and for all to ISIS. If I were in charge…
GAAAAHHHH! I just threw up into my stomach. Whenever I imagine what things would be like if you were in charge, Sarah, I begin to imagine a dystopia in which the White House is replaced by a 10,000 square-foot clown shoe, and the following image is printed on our paper currency:
Then again, if she were in charge, she wouldn’t still be in charge.
We gotta put a stop to this.
I know you think that because you said the exact same thing two sentences ago.
It must be the goal here.
I can see the president delivering a prime-time address to the nation: “My fellow Americans. The goal here is to put a stop to this. Also, to put a stop to this. Good night and God Bless etc, etc.”
They’re far, far too dangerous to leave unchecked.
We’re not leaving ISIS unchecked. Palin just told us two minutes earlier that the president ordered airstrikes. That’s not “unchecked.”
The only thing preventing the triumph of barbaric forces like this taking over countries and killing innocent people, it’s the military might of the United States armed forces. President Obama, we need to go big or go home! No half-measures.
Remember the olden times 43 seconds ago when she said she was “loathe” to deploy American troops because she’s like Cindy Sheehan? Good times.
Who could do this? If not God’s hand of protection that we ask for, the only force that can accomplish this, President Obama, is the United States military.
Did you catch that? When God can’t do the job, send in the troops. In other words, the gig is too impossible for God. GOD! So why not send in our soldiers. Maybe they can fix what God totally couldn’t deal with.
The Sarah Palin Doctrine: 1) Announce that we’re going to “put a stop” to the evildoers. 2) Ask God to kill the evildoers. 3) If God can’t do it, send in the armed forces. 4) Record awesome podcast.
[Drops microphone. Walks off stage.]