For those who believe that what’s wrong with America can’t be solved by a Sarah Palin television channel, you’re in luck! The former governor of Alaska and self-described Grizzly Mama is starting her own station. For a cool $9.95 a month or $99.95 a year, you’ll have unlimited access to the kind of programming you won’t find in the lamstream media.
Shows on the Sarah Palin Channel will include:
1) Cosmetics: A Facetime Odyssey
Whether it’s television appearances or speaking gigs, Sarah is in demand. But a busy schedule can mean lots of stress and little sleep, and even she needs some touching up now and then. Tune in as Sarah reveals what she does to earn the title of most attractive politician in America.
2) Hundred Dollar Listing: Wasilla
Tired of those fancy schmancy real estate shows on that foofy Bravo! network that only film in big cities? Well finally here’s a down-to-earth show for Real Americans who don’t spend like the dollar is going out of style, even though it is!
3) Fjordwalk Empire
Come along with Sarah for a grand tour of all the natural beauty Alaska has to offer. Along the way, she’ll show you just how close Russia really is to her house.
4) Bad Men
We all know Washington is out of control. President Obama and his Democrat buddies govern like they’ve been drinking rye since 9:00 am. But establishment Republicans aren’t that much better. Watch as these powerful men tumble into an irreversible free fall, Will they bring the country down with them?
5) Modern Nuclear Family
With the LGBT agenda in full force in the lamestream media, isn’t it time to get back to the kind of family values that made this country great? Come follow the inspiring story of the Palin family as they navigate hilarious family follies involving unwed teen pregnancy and a senile uncle.
6) Shoe Detective
When mavericky maverick John McCain chose Sarah as his running mate, women all across Real America began emulating her style, including her heels. Of course, on the campaign trail she had to be a little reserved in her shoe selection, but not anymore. Follow Sarah as she scours Alaska finest outlet stores for snakeskin stilettos or what those mean feminists at Jezebel call “patriotic stripper heels.”
7) Sarah Palin’s Food Revolution
The First Lady has been making a hard push for American children to eat healthier. But the federal government shouldn’t be in the business of giving nutritional advice to hard-eating Americans. They work too hard to have to worry about whether the KFC Double Down they’re eating has excessive amounts of cholesterol. Here, Sarah will give viewers personal nutrition tips that don’t involve giving any of your hard-earned money to Big Kale.
8) Baking Bad
Sarah loves a good pastry. In this show she’ll visit some of the finest bakeries and sample some of the most delectable novelty cakes America has to offer. Above, it looks like an Alaskan is attacking a bear for once!
9) Minimal Minds
Tired of scientists trying to indoctrinate your children with sketchy and unproven ideas like evolution and climate change? Then this program is for you. Sarah will show you all the ways to avoid exposure to complicated subjects like whether Africa is a continent and just what exactly NAFTA is and who’s in it. When it comes to incuriousness about the world around her, Sarah is second to none, which is why this video of her telling Katie Couric about all the newspapers she doesn’t read has nearly 3 million views.
So there are nine shows to look out for on the Sarah Palin Channel. These won’t be enough to satisfy demand, so more are coming. Be on the lookout for these and other fine programs, like the Secession Session With Todd, as well as Abstinence Hour With Bristol.