Few things have been quite so insulting to our national intelligence lately than Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s “comeback tour.” In case you missed it, Perry has been doing the rounds on the media circuit now that there’s an immigration crisis on the border with Mexico. It’s a thinly veiled attempt to restore his national image in preparation for 2016, when we’ll all probably have to suffer through a little bit more Rick.
But he has a new look! The guy who couldn’t remember the third cabinet department he wanted to totally eliminate as president during a major debate now thinks we’ll just forget all that because he’s wearing glasses. Perry claims that they’re due to deteriorating vision, but that’s a little convenient considering he was fine with contacts before. Our running theory is that some image consultant has apparently reminded Perry that glasses = nerd = smart.
Here are 10 other 2016 contenders that could get the Perry treatment with a quick, vacuous change and surely revamp their image.
1) Ted Cruz: More guns
Nothing screams “I’m still in control” like carrying an automatic assault rifle at all times through the halls of Congress. The government will never shut down when Cruz is in the Oval Office and a gun’s in his fist. Cruz can be our very first open-carry president, bringing the blessing of firearms everywhere from a meeting with the Dalai Lama to a tense negotiation between Israel and Palestine. From my cold, dead hands, Obama!
2) Marco Rubio: A green screen
All that awkward flop-sweat and bottled water? Wouldn’t look so strange on a sunny beach in Tahiti. A team of trained video technicians can keep an eye on the perennially awkward candidate at all times, ensuring that he never looks confused and out of place or actually has to shake hands with a poor person in real life.
3) Hillary Clinton: Benghazi tattoos
Once Hillary gets these four teardrop tattoos symbolizing each of the U.S. personnel lost in the tragic 2012 attack on the American consulate in Benghazi, Republicans will totally understand she did all she could.
4) Rick Santorum: A rad new look
With his new backwards snapback cap, Rick Santorum is showing voters that he can still “chill out” while reminding them that gay people are an abomination. Are you “totally psyched” for Santorum 2016 yet? No homo, bro!
5) Chris Christie: Bowling
Christie can knock out two pins with this simple switch, thereby committing himself to weight loss while also subtly showing that he’s usually in favor of open lanes. Just not when it comes to bridges.
6) Cory Booker: Continue to play up the hero look
“Sen. Booker, how do you feel about claims you-” “I RESCUED A WOMAN FROM A FIRE, DAMMIT!”
7) Rand Paul: Huge stacks of gold bars
Say hello to the new gold standard. What better way to continually remind your viewers of your candidate’s antediluvian economic views by constantly providing a backdrop of huge stacks of gold bars? Maybe he can even link up with the goldbuggers at Cash4Gold.com to replenish the Fed’s supply.
8) Jeb Bush: A new last name
Let’s face it: Americans still aren’t about to elect another Bush. But once he legally changes his name to Jeb Washington-Reagan, those flagging poll numbers will shoot right back up. Or if he feels like taking a scoop of the “spicy salsa,” Jeb Fernando.
9) Newt Gingrich: Cap & gown
People just don’t realize that Newt is so much more than a stuffy old man who thinks schools should fire janitors and force students to do it instead. He’s a historian — the coolest of all the social sciences. Wearing full academic dress at all times will make voters remember that “The Newt” might be stuck in the past, but in a good way.
10) Paul Ryan: Nothing. At. All.
Hello, youth vote! This man doesn’t need to change a thing.