It might not be “too soon,” but perhaps there are certain things we simply shouldn’t know about former presidents, especially ones who were inaugurated nearly 100 years ago.
President Warren G. Harding served from 1921 to 1923. Among other things, he created the Veterans Bureau and the federal budget process; he was a civil rights supporter; he presided during the dreaded Teapot Dome scandal; and he died while in office. Oh, and yes, he carried on a 15 year extramarital affair with a woman named Carrie Fulton Phillips.
In love letters to Ms. Phillips, Harding code-named his penis “Jerry.” Via The New York Times, here’s an excerpt from a letter dated March, 1915:
“Jerry … came in while I was pondering your notes in glad reflection, and we talked about it … He told me to say that you are the best and darlingest in the world, and if he could have but one wish, it would be to be held in your darling embrace and be thrilled by your pink lips that convey the surpassing rapture of human touch and the unspeakable joy of love’s surpassing embrace.”
Yes, Jerry. And he evidently carried on conversations with, you know, Jerry. The article doesn’t say for sure, but it wouldn’t be surprising if he named his testicles “Kenneth” and “Brian.” None of those cutesy names for Harding, such as, I don’t know, “Warning Giant Hard-on.” Nope. Harding went with conventional, every day man names. There’s something admirable about that.
His love letters, by the way, were works of poetry.
“Honestly, I hurt with the insatiate longing, until I feel that there will never be any relief until I take a long, deep, wild draught on your lips and then bury my face on your pillowing breasts. Oh, Carrie! I want the solace you only can give. It is awful to hunger so and be so wholly denied. . . . Wouldn’t you like to get sopping wet out on Superior — not the lake — for the joy of fevered fondling and melting kisses?”
Feel free to steal that. It’s good. Maybe drop the part referring to your privates as “Superior” (not the lake).
Seriously, all kidding aside, can we finally drop the childish notion that our leaders need to be chaste, asexual eunuchs as soon as they take the Oath? Yes, people in power tend to sleep around. Ultimately, as long as no one’s getting hurt, as long as it’s not a “family values” hypocrite who’s telling the rest of us how to conduct our personal lives, and if it’s not damaging his or her the ability to make reasonable decisions, then does it really matter?
It happens. And sometimes there are nicknames.