Later today, the USA men’s national team will take on Belgium in the World Cup and the entire country is (temporarily) ablaze with soccer fever.
Just last week, a loss that was somehow basically a win against one of our eternal rivals, Germany, had American patriotism going at full force, and now with an eagerly awaited battle against the Belgians, it’s…going fine? Sure everyone wants to see our boys win, even Waffle House has made sure their allegiance was known…
We don't believe in Belgium waffles
— Waffle House (@WaffleHouse) June 30, 2014
But it’s just a little harder to manufacture temporary hatred for another country when that country is Belgium. They’re like the Delaware of Europe. So to keep your semi-xenophobic jingoism fueled for this afternoon’s game, here are some reasons why you could conceivably definitely should hate Belgium:
1. It’s Barely A Country
Belgium is basically a bunch of different groups of people all speaking different languages stuck in the same place wanting to be a part of a different, better place.
2. They Were Dicks To The Congo
Like most European countries, they did their share of “exploring” in Africa back in the day. Their main settlement was in the Congo, and don’t worry, they made sure to accomplish tons of human rights abuses whilst there.
3. Jean Claude Van Damme
This Belgian national infiltrated one of the highest levels of our military and essentially forced US troops to go into an unsanctioned battle:
4. The City of Bruges
“If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me but I didn’t, so it doesn’t.” – Colin Farrell in In Bruges
The most boring comic hero since Aquaman.
6. Their Architecture
Apparently Belgium is full of really ugly houses, so there’s that.
7. They Took Our Beer
Back in 2008, Belgian company InBev bought Anheuser-Busch Bud for $52 bln, meaning these cans are basically 12 fluid ounces of lies:
And if that doesn’t rile you up, then nothing will.
Because in the good ole US of A, we love subpar beer in fancy cans, American-born action heroes, and international soccer.