The 6 Types of Emails You Get From Politicians Asking For Money

One of the greatest gifts I ever gave myself was a filter for all the political donation emails I receive on an almost hourly basis. They are truly the bane of any generous liberal who was dumb enough to once donate $5 to a campaign or sign a petition.

But as I went to delete them all the other day, as I usually do, I realized just how desperate the Democratic Party has become. And like a well-intentioned crush who is trying way too hard, they are really starting to get on my nerves. But as I masochistically refuse to hit the unsubscribe button, I noticed a few trends in the email subject lines I’ve been getting.

1. THE CLICKBAIT

“Bryce, here’s the thing” – Joe Biden via Democrats.org (6/29)

Joe, here’s the thing: No.

“As clear as we can put it” – Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (6/29)

Oh you mean like as clear as this subject line is?

“Obama just responded” – DCCC (6/28)

And Rudow just deleted.

“Your official supporter record” (6/25)

One ticket for a guilt trip coming up.

2. THE INCENTIVE

“Fly to Austin and meet Barack, Bryce” – Joe Biden via Democrats.org (6/29)

We both live in DC. That seems inefficient.

“Your FREE sticker!” – DCCC (6/28)

The dentist gives free stickers…

“Fly out to meet the President” – DNC HQ via Democrats.org (6/28)

Seriously, I could just as easily bike.

“Once-in-a-lifetime, Bryce” – Amy K. Dacey via Democrats.org (6/24)

I wish that’s how often I got these emails, Amy.

3. THE EMOTION-DRIVEN REQUEST

“You’re wrong about this one, Bryce” Jordan Kaplan via Democrats.org(6/29)

I didn’t realize I had chimed in.

“Oh wow – just 24 more donations from Washington!” Neeti Kaur via BarackObama.com (6/28)

If each needs to be three cents or fewer, I’m your guy.

“Now’s the best time to step up” DNC HQ via Democrats.org (6/26)

Unless I want to donate tomorrow, then that’s the best time.

4. THE “HELP ME OBI WAN KENOBI” CRY FOR HELP 

 “All hope is lost” – DCCC (6/29)

Goodbye, cruel Republican-filled world!

“Bryce, you’re our last hope” – Debbie Wasserman Schultz via DCCC (6/28)

Debbie, if I’m your last hope, you don’t have a prayer.

“If you sit this out, Bryce, we will lose” – Raul Alvillar via Democrats.org (6/25)

That is putting a lot of pressure on me, Raul!

“BIG deadline tomorrow (whoa)” – Grant Campbell via BarackObama.com (6/29)

Whoa, I’m just kind of confused by this one (whoa).

“I need you” – Barack Obama via DCCC (6/25)

Look, I’m just not ready for anything serious right now, and you’re not going to be around that much longer.

“Don’t sit by and let this happen, Bryce” – DNC HQ via Democrats.org (6/27)

I don’t take anything sitting down, which is why I’m going to lay down, take a nap, and let this happen

5. THE BOEHNER BASH

“Boehner’s mistake” – DCCC (6/26)

He fall asleep in the tanning booth again?

“Boehner HUMILIATED” – DCCC (6/28)

He fall asleep in the tanning booth again?

“Boehner’s FURIOUS” – DCCC (6/29)

He fall asleep in the tanning booth again?

“Boehner = FUMING” – DCCC (6/25)

He fall asleep in the tanning booth again?

6. THE SAD PUPPY FACE

“Heart-wrenching setback” – DCCC (6/26)

Sadz.

“HEARTBREAKING” – Nancy Pelosi via DCCC (6/24)

FWD: Pat Benatar.

“CRUSHING BLOW” – DCCC (6/27)

I heard D.C. has great coke but that’s quite an endorsement.

“Kiss all hope goodbye” – DCCC (6/24):

Mwah, hope!

“Throw in the towel” – Joe Biden via DCCC (6/25)

Catch!

And they wonder why no one gives a shit.

Or an extra fiver.