By now you’ve heard about the house-cleaning over at ABC’s The View. In addition to Barbara Walters’ departure, Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd are also exiting, leaving only Whoopi Goldberg until replacements are found.
The good news for Whoopi and fans of The View is that this isn’t exactly going to be like finding new people to work at CERN. McCarthy believes that vaccinating children can give them autism. Meanwhile, Shepherd once said, “I don’t think anything predated Christians,” which would mean she thinks the earth is 2,000 years old.
Clearly, these two have set the bar low, so just about any two replacements would be a vast improvement. To this end, here are 11 strong contenders to replace McCarthy and Shepherd.
Though there are many species of penguin, any kind will do, really: Emperor, King, Magellanic, whatever they have. Because penguins lack the capacity to speak a human language, they are unable to spread dangerous lies about vaccination.
2. Sleeve of Ritz crackers
Long a staple of Americans’ kitchen cabinets, Ritz crackers would be a great addition to The View. This way, the statement, “That View host is really crackers” will remain accurate.
3. Siberian Elm
Found primarily in China and Mongolia, the Siberian Elm would be a sturdy presence on the set and give The View its first Asian co-host since Lisa Ling left in 2002.
One of everyone’s favorite games as a kid, Candyland would provide View fans with an intellectual step up from McCarthy and Shepherd. Just watch out for that crazy bastard Lord Licorice.
5. Voyager 1
Although it’s about 9.5 billion miles away from Earth, waiting for Voyager 1 to reverse course and return would be well worth the wait to see it banter on the set of The View. Oh, the stories it could tell.
6. Haystacks at the End of Summer by Claude Monet
Painted in 1891, this was part of a series of paintings of haystacks by Monet.
In the 1880s, Monet befriended vaccine pioneer Louis Pasteur, whose ideas were at first rebuked with extreme prejudice and gave rise to the first anti-vaxxer movement led by Jennifair Macartie. To stop the anti-vaxxers from destroying crucial medical supplies, Monet proposed that doctors hide their hypodermic needles in haystacks. And that’s where we get the idiom, “needle in a haystack” from.*
*This paragraph is completely fabricated.
7. Lucky the dog
Born on January 2, 2000, Lucky the dog is a seasoned elder statesman of pooches. Although he can’t see or hear particularly well, the vet says he has “good bone structure.” And that’s exactly what this adorable Shih Tzu would bring to the table at The View.
8. NHL ’94
A classic in the gaming world, having NHL ’94 co-host The View would help the show among the crucial 28-40 male demographic it’s been neglecting for years. Meanwhile, traditional View viewers will find NHL ’94 more agreeable than other versions in the series because fistfights were removed from the game, much to the chagrin of violently-inclined gamers.
Because somebody needs to class up this joint.
10. Christopher Plummer
Christopher Plummer would be the first male co-host of The View, which since it first aired in 1997 has engaged in rampant sexism when it comes to hiring hosts. Plus, the ladies love them some Captain Von Trapp. And also because somebody needs to class up this joint.
11. Actual view
Instead of just calling it The View and having a bunch of people talk in grating fashion, one chair should be dedicated to an actual view of something.
There they are, 11 of the infinity possible replacements that would be way better than either Jenny McCarthy or Sherri Shepherd. Feel free to make your own recommendations on our Facebook post.