North Korea Declares War on James Franco and Seth Rogen

You knew it was going to happen eventually. You knew that one day the stonerrific, vaguely homoerotic relationship of Seth Rogen and James Franco was going to bring about the end of civilization. Their comedies have already been blamed for the violent rampage of a misogynist sociopath in Santa Barbara, so it was only logical that the next step would be the total annihilation of the United States.

In case you haven’t heard, the North Korean government has officially declared Rogen and Franco’s new movie, The Interview, an “act of war” against it. In the film, the two play celebrity news reporters who try to revitalize their flagging careers by interviewing Kim Jong Un, but somewhere along the way they’re recruited by the CIA to assassinate the North Korean leader.

Under normal circumstances, making a movie with this kind of premise would be pretty offensive. But there are two things to consider here: 1) You can basically say anything you want about North Korea because no one within the country outside of a handful of its leaders are ever going to know about it, and 2) Kim Jong Un is bug-fuck crazy and was put on this earth for the sole purpose of perpetual mockery. To wit, his government is responding to being insulted by Rogen, Franco, and the American media with the kind of bellicose rhetoric normally reserved for nuclear missile tests or airspace violations.

From the BBC:

“Making and releasing a movie on a plot to hurt our top-level leadership is the most blatant act of terrorism and war and will absolutely not be tolerated.”

He added that the “reckless US provocative insanity” of mobilising a “gangster filmmaker” to challenge the North’s leadership was triggering “a gust of hatred and rage” among North Korean people and soldiers.

“If the US administration allows and defends the showing of the film, a merciless counter-measure will be taken,” the spokesman was quoted as saying.

While Pyongyang subsists on Orwellian fantasies, relentlessly sold to its starving people, in which it’s always seconds away from crushing the United States in an assault pirated from Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, the reality is it’s not going to do shit about The Interview. It’s going to make a few threats, rattle its sabers, then go right back to keeping its country a big black hole in the center of civilization.

Although if North Korea did respond by targeting and destroying Hollywood, would that really be so bad?

Chez Pazienza was the beating heart of The Daily Banter, sadly passing away on February 25, 2017. His voice remains ever present at the Banter, and his influence as powerful as ever.